I feel like I’ve written this post before.
How do I reach out and say to someone… I’m hurting. It’s nothing new. It’s the same pain. But I’m hurting. And all I can see is a razor blade cutting into my skin… and I know it will pass but dammit I’m glad there’s no available razor blades or box cutters nearby…
How do I express to people that despite being with ALL my children, and despite witnessing my grandson’s birth, I still want to curl up into a ball and cry until I can’t breathe? That despite KNOWING that it will get better, I still have this part of my brain that says “nope, it won’t. there’s no point. no one needs you. no one will miss you”
How do you tell that part of your brain to stfu?
How do you work through those thoughts?
I know… I know without a shadow of a doubt… that when I’m in a panick, when I’m depressed (in general, not like right now) that when I’m mad, that when I’m frustrated, I have to own the feelings. Feel the feelings. Let the feelings wash through me and then let them go.
I get that.
But when the feelings are telling me that death is an option? WT everloving F do I do with THAT? I’m terrified to move into them and feel them because what if I can’t get OUT of them?
I know they’ll pass. My next blog post will be a gratitude post.
But for now… I’m sitting here and wishing I had a razor blade. I won’t cut too deeply… just enough. Just enough to focus the pain.
Because I don’t want to die.