The good things about this Christmas:
- My daughter
- My daughter’s baby that’s due a few days ago and will be induced in 2 days.
- My sons.
- Most of my family together (only one missing is my grandson)
Things that suck about this Christmas:
- Lack of decorations
- Lack of places for me to be (and by that, I mean have privacy, have time for me, have time to grieve or cry or be angry.
- Sleeping on a couch, in a living room, when everyone gets up stupidly early.
- It doesn’t feel like Christmas. At all. None of it.
I wake up in a mood every morning. I wake up teary and full of emotion and full of grief and I have to swallow it down because I have no where to express it.
I can’t cry in privacy.
I can’t grieve in privacy.
I’m with people from the moment I open my eyes until the moment I shut them.
I’m around people all. freaking. day.
There’s no where, not really even the bathroom (only one bathroom, pregnant person in the house and 3 other boys/men) so no extended time in there – and besides, no bathtub to just relax in.
I can’t curl up on a bed – the only one here belongs to my very pregnant daughte.r
I can’t curl up on a couch or a chair and have no one sitting with me, there’s one couch and that’s it for seating.
So I’m awake, with insomnia, at 2am. She’s probably going to go into labour tomorrow, if not, she’ll be induced the next day, and I’m going to be exhausted.
This Christmas feels wrong on so many levels – I don’t even know how to express it. I am doing nothing in terms of what I normally do. There are no traditions. There is no Christmas joy. Just people going to work and waiting for a baby.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited for the baby… but I feel lost without Christmas. And he’s dead and he’s not here and so this Christmas the absence is felt SO much more strongly.
I get a grandbaby. I have to trade my Christmas traditions and my Christmas joy for that. And that’s mostly ok. But it’s not.
And for the first time I can’t articulate clearly how I feel. Because I KNOW I should just be happy and grateful for the things I have – but FUCK! Christmas joy is what keeps me from wanting to die from missing him so much.
The baby’s not here yet. Maybe that will change after baby gets here.