The Curse of Conflicting Emotions

It’s been 3 1/2 years.  Almost exactly.

He’s dead.  He’s not coming back.  They took his body, stuck it in an incinerator and presented me with a very lovely, beautifully decorated box of what remained of him.

Some of his cremains are in the Squamish River.

Some of them are in various other rivers.

Some of them are in my skin.

Some of them sit on a shelf in my living room.

Some of them travel with me as I go to various places.

But he’s GONE.

And his absence leaves a hole in my heart that I don’t know how to heal.  Every new thing, every milestone that hits the wound rips open and bleeds a little more.

At the same time, I can’t live in constant pain.  I get told by people that I am grieving too hard, having a pity party, holding on to the past.

I get ripped open by people because I still love a dead guy and the dead guy’s absensce still causes me enormous amounts of pain.

How do I live with both? I thought it was going to be a matter of I fell in love again, the new love would give me joy, the joy would buffer me against the sadness but when the sadness hit, the new love would be the blanket I would wrap myself in while the pain washed over me.

The new love didn’t see it that way, and that fell apart, and now I live with loving a dead guy AND a live guy, neither of whom I can lean on, neither of whom I have a promise of growing old with.

I want to be happy again. I have been. I am.  But I want to be HAPPY.  I want to be sitting in my own living room, not dragged down by depression and sadness and grief.  I want to be as ok alone as I am when I’m snuggled up to someone.

I wonder; am I holding on too hard, missing him too much, trying to be the “perfect” widow? ?

Or am I just feeling, just loving, just being?

Someone said it’s at least 5 years before the pain won’t rip me apart anymore.  And then I read from other widows who are STILL going through pain as fresh and acute as it was 3 1/2 years ago, 2 1/2 years ago, a year and a half ago, 6 months ago… it still hurts.  It’s still painful and lonely and sad for them.

And I don’t want to be there.  But how to live with both?  The joy of a future being built as the pain of a future lost?

I don’t know.  I don’t know the answer.

Just as I can’t act my age because I’ve never been this old before, I can’t manage my grief because I’ve never been 3 1/2 years a widow before…

It's Going to be Ok Someday

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3 thoughts on “The Curse of Conflicting Emotions

  1. jUdith says:

    I live my life in 2 halves. One half functions the other half is heartbroken. The heartbroken half comes through and then goes again. I just accept I’m going to be heartbroken. Life was never all happy, even when he was here. Accept being heartbroken, and live the other half and see what happens, and try and live it!!!

  2. dkweiss says:

    Well, it’s been two and a half years. I wrote about how I was supposed to feel better but didn’t. I blog at thehungoverwidow.com.

  3. christymireles says:

    i was so excited to read about widows feeling the same way i am,it makes me feel like im not going crazy,i was so greatful to get through the holidays ,trying to have family believe now that im ok because thats what they want to see it,they no longer want to see the tears they just want me to pick up and move on but im so srry it is not that easy .This year in may it will be three years that my husband best friend,childhood first love,biggest supporter is now gone .i have our daughter who is going to be nine,she is what makes me get up every morning ,but it is so hard to not drown myself in alcohol or just want to sleep all day,three years later i still sleep in a recliner because a bed feels so lonely.I am so tired of people telling me how i should feel ,dont you think i so want to feel better,dont you think i would love to close this big hole in my heart that bleeds for him everyday,so i am so grateful for this site because now i feel like i have a secret place to finally let it out and its ok,love and peace to all,the only thing that gets me through each day is knowing that one day we will meet again…

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