I Don’t Want To Die

I feel like I’ve written this post before.

How do I reach out and say to someone… I’m hurting. It’s nothing new. It’s the same pain. But I’m hurting. And all I can see is a razor blade cutting into my skin… and I know it will pass but dammit I’m glad there’s no available razor blades or box cutters nearby…

How do I express to people that despite being with ALL my children, and despite witnessing my grandson’s birth, I still want to curl up into a ball and cry until I can’t breathe?  That despite KNOWING that it will get better, I still have this part of my brain that says “nope, it won’t.  there’s no point.  no one needs you.  no one will miss you”

How do you tell that part of your brain to stfu?

How do you work through those thoughts?

I know… I know without a shadow of a doubt… that when I’m in a panick, when I’m depressed (in general, not like right now) that when I’m mad, that when I’m frustrated, I have to own the feelings.  Feel the feelings. Let the feelings wash through me and then let them go.

I get that.

But when the feelings are telling me that death is an option?  WT everloving F do I do with THAT? I’m terrified to move into them and feel them because what if I can’t get OUT of them?

I know they’ll pass.  My next blog post will be a gratitude post.

But for now… I’m sitting here and wishing I had a razor blade.  I won’t cut too deeply… just enough.  Just enough to focus the pain.

Because I don’t want to die.


2 thoughts on “I Don’t Want To Die

  1. Widow Strong says:

    “Just enough to focus the pain”….. I get it, I really do.

    I’m so pleased that you are able to see that it will pass (and that there were no available razors and maybe this is a key for you making sure there are never any available razors?).

    It such a hard thing to process no wanting to be here, but not wanting to actually die. And being surrounded by family and friends but feeling so terribly alone. I’m not sure how to silence those thoughts. Focusing on something else maybe.

    I hope it has now passed and that you are starting to see the beauty again xo

  2. B. Trahin says:

    When my husband was so very ill he said he wanted to die but I couldn’t quite believe it. Well now, I do. I am so lonely that any release would be welcome. I hope I get past this, people say it gets better. It must because I have friends that have struggled and won,

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