Good, Bad, Ugly

How do I express the way the last 2 weeks have made me feel?

I got all heart stupid with the Metalhead Poet (he’s not MY Metalhead Poet, and he doesn’t want to be).

I got all triggered and shit over school.  To the point where I question whether or not I should continue the program.

How can I be a nurse if I can’t even get through the course without it throwing me into grief triggers?

I was bawling in the counsellors office.  I have moments where I am absolutely positive this is the path I want to take.

And then I’m shaken by something.  Or I hear something about my summer job.  And I’m devastated that I won’t be there this summer.

I didn’t know how HARD this would all be. I didn’t know that I wouldn’t be able to just breeze through it.

How could I have thought I would?   We’re talking about DEATH.  And HEALTH. And HEART conditions.  And fuck me really? Grief and death on day 1?

How could I have thought it wouldn’t trigger me all over the fucking place?

Oh wait. I just thought I’d grieved enough.  I just thought I’d gone through enough.

If I quit, I lose funding.  Do you know how much THAT sucks?  I lose the opportunity to go to school. I lose the opportunity to do good.  To do different.  To have a life that will make a difference in my kids’ lives, for other people.

And so tonight… I am alone. I am lonely.  I am drinking wine.  And time is slipping past me as I walk through the pain and emotions.  I am not studying for mid-term 1 tonight.  I should be.  But I’m hurting.  And I’m not studying.

And I’m fucking ANGRY that he died on me.  ANGRY that I’m left alone.  ANGRY that the man I love doesn’t love me enough to say FUCK YEAH! Lets DO this!  And I’m ANGRY about it all.

I need to get back to a place of “ok with just me” because I know that when I am in that place… I am good. I am at peace.  I am happy.

I want to be happy again.  I want to enjoy things in my life. I’m tired of being angry all the time.

Because I don’t fucking appreciate this:

Stages-of-Grief

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2 thoughts on “Good, Bad, Ugly

  1. Karyn says:

    Ditto. I love the artwork on your experience…I laughed because I feel the same way. My husband passed two years ago. Peace. Karyn

  2. na says:

    love your stages of grief…so true

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