How do I express the way the last 2 weeks have made me feel?
I got all heart stupid with the Metalhead Poet (he’s not MY Metalhead Poet, and he doesn’t want to be).
I got all triggered and shit over school. To the point where I question whether or not I should continue the program.
How can I be a nurse if I can’t even get through the course without it throwing me into grief triggers?
I was bawling in the counsellors office. I have moments where I am absolutely positive this is the path I want to take.
And then I’m shaken by something. Or I hear something about my summer job. And I’m devastated that I won’t be there this summer.
I didn’t know how HARD this would all be. I didn’t know that I wouldn’t be able to just breeze through it.
How could I have thought I would? We’re talking about DEATH. And HEALTH. And HEART conditions. And fuck me really? Grief and death on day 1?
How could I have thought it wouldn’t trigger me all over the fucking place?
Oh wait. I just thought I’d grieved enough. I just thought I’d gone through enough.
If I quit, I lose funding. Do you know how much THAT sucks? I lose the opportunity to go to school. I lose the opportunity to do good. To do different. To have a life that will make a difference in my kids’ lives, for other people.
And so tonight… I am alone. I am lonely. I am drinking wine. And time is slipping past me as I walk through the pain and emotions. I am not studying for mid-term 1 tonight. I should be. But I’m hurting. And I’m not studying.
And I’m fucking ANGRY that he died on me. ANGRY that I’m left alone. ANGRY that the man I love doesn’t love me enough to say FUCK YEAH! Lets DO this! And I’m ANGRY about it all.
I need to get back to a place of “ok with just me” because I know that when I am in that place… I am good. I am at peace. I am happy.
I want to be happy again. I want to enjoy things in my life. I’m tired of being angry all the time.
Because I don’t fucking appreciate this: