I was on a short road trip with a couple of my derby peeps today. At some point, someone said to me something about my posts on Facebook being more relaxed, calm and more at peace with being alone.
I sorta had to stop and think about that for a minute.
I am at peace with being alone. I am at peace with not having someone to snuggle up to every night.
I am not lonely. Not right now. I am not struggling with how to do everything on my own, and who am I going to share my life with.
I have 2 beautiful, intelligent, articulate, funny and amazing young men I get to call my sons living with me. Some days they are more than enough company. Some days they drive me nutty. But I like just the “them and me” parts of our lives.
I wish they were a bit smaller, but then if they were.. .they wouldn’t have gotten as much time with their Dad before he died. So I’m glad they’re not.
But they are amazing. And when they give me their time and attention, it’s an awesome time. My Andrew is so funny and so fun to be around. Luke is mostly his awesomely sweet self (unless he’s in hell monster teenaged mode)
But for the most part, I’m good with my time alone. I get to control the TV. I get to control the music. I get to decide if I want steak or macaroni for dinner. I paint the walls the colour I want.
I don’t feel a desperate need to find someone who wants to fill the hole because the hole HAS been filled. I filled it. I filled it with memories that make me smile, joy in my children, a life I love, and enjoyment of my own company.
Life is truly good. And I don’t know that I’d trade what I have for what I had. I miss him terribly. But my life is GOOD and that’s amazing.
(disclaimer: I’m a widow, with widda brain. I reserve the right to feel completely the opposite tomorrow… LOL)