My Soul is Crying

I have been going through some severe anxiety lately.

I could come forth with a number of different reasons and excuses as to why it is happening, but what I think it comes down to is…

My soul is crying.

I don’t know what feeds my soul anymore.  What keeps her happy.  What keeps her sane. What gives her light and life.

She’s crying.  Sobbing.  And every once in a while, she overflows into my consciousness and causes me pain.

It may have started before Mark died, but truly… it became unbearable after.

Because my soul is crying and she demands to be heard.

She demands to feel joy.  She demands to feel passion. She demands to love and be loved fiercely – by me.

She is doing everything she can to be heard and I have been ignoring her.

I have been drowning her in mindless TV.  I have been suffocating her with time spent scrolling through Facebook and other websites.

I have not been doing the things that keep her nourished because I was wrong.

Anxiety isn’t the symptom.  Anxiety isn’t the problem.

The problem is that I don’t do the things I used to love.  I am not discovering new things to love. I have not because the anxiety has been overwhelming me, pinning me to the couch, the chair, the bed and what I thought was an inability to cope with life was my soul SCREAMING at me to do something. Love something. Engage in something.  Be PASSIONATE about something.

I played my piano for about 10 minutes tonight. I have had this piano for 13 years. In the last four years, I have played it maybe five or six times. I used to call music my passion; but I stopped playing.

Tonight… my soul was soothed… if for only those 10 minutes.  Because I fed her what she needs.

I fed her with love, with joy, with beauty.  I ignored the anxiety and played anyhow and the screaming stopped for a while.

My soul is crying… and it’s time for me to love her again.

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4 thoughts on “My Soul is Crying

  1. I loved it. Mostly because I can relate. I have anxiety issues too. What a wonderful read! I’m glad you ended up on positive note! Happy to connect 💕 Do check out my writings too, will appreciate your reviews 😄

  2. Pam Fattore says:

    We widows must move on and create a new life. It is hard but the only way so we can be as happy as possible. I came onto this website because my husband died at 49 from a heart attack on 6/26/2012. Life is so much harder now because he did not have life insurance and two daughters whom he adored. Dealing with their issues alone is tough but doable in a different way. Life must proceed and we need to be as happy as we can. The fact that we lost someone we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together with will ways show as sadness in strange ways (a song you hear or a memory you remember). We need to let our emotions show and handle them the best we can. Peace and Love from a fellow widow….

  3. Christine says:

    Your writings helped so much today. You understand how hard it is to touch things that belonged to your husband and give it away… it isn’t the thing,,, it is the dream that went with the thing. It is packing away dreams and facing the loss and finding yourself. You check yourself… “Am I still me? Have I lost me?… What would Mike think I did the right thing? Should my children have these things?” I am a recent widow since Dec. 14, 2015; he was 55. Thank you for your candid writing.

  4. Deb says:

    My soul is crying too. I didn’t realize this until you explained it. The anxiety, the angst, avoidance and the struggle with indecision.
    Your passion for making music is a lovely way of finding the beautiful you. It shows me that you can become vibrant and happy again, and you will.
    As for me, I now have hope.

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