I Said YES!!

Sometimes, the world conspires to make you incredibly, irrevokably happy.

On November 5, in the early hours of the morning, my Sexxy Chef proposed to me.

Of course I said YES!!




The ring is being sized. I can’t wear it for a couple weeks – and that’s ok.

The date has been chosen.  Location is 95% sure – I just need to see it again and confirm that YES, I can set up the wedding the way I want in the space that’s available.

Plans… plans… and more plans.

Love happens again.  Happiness happens again.

It’s the weirdest thing, being so incredibly, amazingly happy – with that thread of sorrow going through it all.

The guilt of “how can I be this happy when he’s still dead?”

Going through so many things that I did for the first wedding.  Making plans.

I don’t even know how to explain it.

I’m ridiculously HAPPY and I want to shout it to the world.  I can’t wait to start my life with my Sexxy Chef.  I can’t wait to be Mrs. Sexxy Chef.

But I’ve been Mrs. Smith for the majority of my adult life.  It will be 19 years of being Mrs. Smith when I become Mrs. Sexxy Chef.

That’s weird to me.  Never mind the fact that I’m trying to wrap my head around what will be my new name.

New Beginnings

I’ve got an amazing new beginning ahead of me. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But man… did I have to lose so much to get what’s ahead of me?

I’m happy. I’m in love.  I’m looking forward to a long, happy, healthy future with my Sexxy Chef.

But I want to tell my Mark all about how happy I am.  He’d be happy for me.  He’d celebrate with me.

Long live love.


5 thoughts on “I Said YES!!

  1. Sandi says:

    I am so very happy & yes jealous. I lost my husband 6/23/14 & this year 4/12/2016 would have been our 40 year anniversary. I still cry every time his name is mentioned & I probably always will. I have followed your story & so many of your emotions mirror mine, yet you can pull up your boot straps & put on your big girl panties! You are much stronger then I & I applaud you & I envy your strength! I know how hard it is every single day & I hope your chef will make your heart smile everyday. I know your Mark is looking down & wanting that & more for you because you deserve it!

  2. Jeannie says:

    I follow your blog as it has been such a mirror image of my life. I lost my husband to Cancer 2 years ago and I am in a new relationship with a man I adore. I still feel so guilty many days for being happy and when great things happen I want to tell my husband about them. I still do and I pray he hears me and is happy for me. The guilt is the hardest part, believing I deserve to be happy again allowing myself to do that. My boyfriend is so supportive about my past and is never uncomfortable talking about him, he encourages me to and has been such a huge part of my healing process. It is hard loving two at the same time, one on this earth and one in heaven. He knows I will always have the love for my husband a piece of me will always be with him. I will never be fully whole, but the heart finds room for me and it is remarkable.

  3. patricepdx says:

    Your posts always lift me up. Thank you. I can relate: “… did I have to lose so much to get what’s ahead of me? …I want to tell my Mark all about how happy I am. He’d be happy for me. He’d celebrate with me.”
    Yes! I believe he would. I am SO happy for you and Mr. SC!

  4. Theresa says:

    Hi- First of all congratulations on your engagement. That is perfectly wonderful! Secondly, I apologize for hijacking your blog to seek some advice and for the length of this reply.

    I stumbled across your site while googling how to navigate this exact chapter in life and to see your success at it makes me smile. I have peeked at a few of your posts and of course, many do speak to me in terms of loving 2 people at the same time. What I am hoping to learn, either through others or on my own, is how to “do me” while my kids are still not there with me.

    So, I have a 24 year old daughter and 22 year old son. My husband Brad died 2.5 years ago to a long battle with cancer. He was only 56 when he died. My son had to endure seeing him sick through 3 years of HS and one year of college, while my daughter thankfully was away at school all 4 years that he battled. She came home but didn’t see what the rest of us got to see in terms of the day to day struggles.

    So he dies, there is that sense of relief and all the other stuff, and we go on. My daughter graduates 5 weeks after his death, moves back home with me and we start picking up the pieces of life together. My son came home for the summer and back off to school he goes.

    Daughter has friends, a job, a eventually a cute apartment, and life is as good as can be. It is about 6 months after Brad dies that I feel a bit ready to get back out there. After all, it had been 4 years of illness (the last 2 being hell on earth as he tried in vain to battle central nervous system involvement of his cancer). I am relatively young, social, and feel ready to get out and enjoy living.

    Fast forward through some questionable mini-relationships ( 4 to be exact, though one was so short-lived I hate to count it) as I struggled to figure out how the heck to date again after 27 years. Hey, ya have to kiss a few toads, right? Then a year ago, I met Jim, a kind, loving, sweet, supportive man who loves me to the moon and back. I also get an amazing new job last January where I travel, make great money and am actually working in the oncology world I thought I left behind, but God had a plan, so here I am.

    Life is good…no, GREAT. I see a future brighter than any I could have imagined. I do the occasional struggle with my emotions as you describe, such as dealing with the guilt of being happy as an indirect result of Brad dying. But it is what it is. I can always seem to burn through. I am proud of this fact.

    I am also proud and excited that I found someone not only good for me, but good for my children. They now have a man they can call upon if they need that manly, fatherly advice. He is willing to help them and be that guy for them. He has no inclination to replace Brad in any way and is incredibly respectful of his memory and his place in my heart and in this family.

    One problem- daughter is not happy. Son seems blase’ about the entire thing which I can deal with for now, but it’s my daughter causing me anxiety right now. She is not one for big changes in life, about had a meltdown when Trump got elected, and now that she sees that my relationship with Jim may actually be “taking” after a year- she starts showing a side of herself that is very upsetting.

    Over Thanksgiving, she was completely rude, snotty and made no bones about the fact that she would sooner see Jim dead than hanging around the house. Mind you, he was cleaning up my yard, had painted the bathroom and had done countless other acts of kindness that she could clearly see. He was polite, gentlemanly and made no comments that she could come back and use as ammunition later.

    It was breaking my heart all around. I walked around with a heaviness in my heart I hadn’t felt since Brad was dying. I couldn’t understand what was going on. So I got brave with her and I told her I am happy and isn’t she happy for me? She broke down and said she didn’t want to upset me, but no, she is not happy with the situation. She couldn’t really articulate why, but was able to tell me that when I invite her to come up to Jim’s beautiful home in the mountains. she feels the same as if she was going to the dentist. She has “no desire” and though she wants me to be happy, she is just so uncomfortable with him around, that it’s all she can do to stay in the house herself. She said that she just wants to hang around with me and why does he always have to be around, even though he made sure to give us our time together and wants me to bond with her whenever I can.

    To me it is as if I am dealing with a 14 year old, not a 24 year old. I, of course, reassured her that her and her brother will ALWAYS be my priority but that I need to stay true to my own path. She admits it isn’t personal towards him, just the situation.

    I feel like everything I have worked on this past year has gone up in flames. I thought I was doing everything right. I thought people could see how much I deserved what I have found. I feel like I haven’t been given any credit for the work I have done in getting to a happy place in the face of such misery.

    I told my daughter that even though I started dating rather soon after her dad died (6 months), that he had left me long before that. I had no one taking me to dinner, buying me Christmas or birthday gifts, etc., for YEARS. I lost my partner when cancer came into our marriage. Maybe I was even losing him before that. Anyway, to have to justify all that I have worked so hard to overcome just feels like shit, and I am now resentful and hurt.

    I am also playing mind games with myself about Jim. Is he worth this current struggle? What if my kid never comes to accept him? Will I lose him over this? He assures me that I won’t but he clearly deserves better. I feel guilty for that too.

    I am worried about my kid. Does my daughter have daddy issues she needs to deal with? Is she feeling guilty for being away and doing her thing while he was so ill? Does she see Jim as a threat to the memory of her dad?

    I am seeking a good therapist for me to discuss all of this with and will pray that I can convince her to come as well to help me fix things for all of us.

    For now I just want to know I am not alone and that these things eventually work themselves out. I already know that I’m not alone, and that they do work out, but I want to hear it from others.

    Thank you and sorry for the hijack!! I guess I found your site for a reason. At least I hope so.

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