Four years ago I wrote this post about how I was feeling, 2 days before Christmas, 6 months post-loss.
Yesterday, when the post popped up in my “On This Day” memories feed… I looked at it and thought how drastically my life has changed in the past four years.
Four years ago I was devastated, and trying to put on a “happy” face for my children.
Three years ago I was in a new relationship… it was our first (and only) together, and we had been fighting and it was MISERABLE.
Two years ago my boys and I made our Christmas together. We created happy-ish memories.
Last year, I was in Edmonton, welcoming in a new life. I was witness to my grandson’s birth, spent a Christmas with all my children (although missing one grandchild), and while there was some misery/crappy bits about it, being able to be there for my daughter and enjoy the time made it incredibly awesome.
This year? This year I’m engaged. I have two days, one of which I’m spending with my lovely little grandson, to complete Christmas crafts, do my Christmas baking, finish decorating the tree (and house if I want to go there), and get things cleaned before my future in-laws arrive. There is SO much joy in my life right now.
It’s amazing how much life can change.
And yet… there’s still part of me that misses… that’s teary… that wants to succumb to the sadness. I won’t. Not this year. But I may take a few minutes… just on my own. To remember.