4 and a half years

4 and a half years without him.

I’m at the end of an incredibly busy couple of days.

I’ve spent time with my fiance and his parents, my daughter, my sons, my brother and my mother.

I was surrounded by family and people who love me.

I barely got a moment without anyone around.

There has been no time to reflect on Mark, our life and how much I miss him.

There has been no time to get lost in memories.

Except one moment, when I looked over at the Christmas tree and was overwhelmed… just for that moment, with a few tears.

But now I’m at home, with my fiance, watching football, drinking wine.

And it’s quiet.  And I have time to reflect.  And I don’t know where to start.

I’m afraid… if I start… I’ll cry. He deserves the tears. He deserves the grief and the sadness and the missing him.

And my Sexxy Chef?  He deserves the smiles.  He deserves the love and the joy and the happiness I feel when I’m with him.

So I’m torn… do I take the time to reflect, knowing there will be tears? Or do I let it slip past…

It’s been exactly 4 and a half years since he took his last breath, since his heart beat for the last time, since I was his wife, not merely his widow.

For the past 4 and a half years, this has been a time of sadness and sorrow.

This weekend.. it has been full of joy.

Which is AWESOME.  But makes me feel guilty.

I miss him.  I wish he was here… but I don’t know how to accept that I don’t.  Because if he were… I wouldn’t have my Sexxy Chef. And I fucking love my Sexxy Chef. I am looking forward to my life with my Sexxy Chef. I don’t want that to change.

So I wish he were here… but I don’t.

It’s been an amazing Christmas… without him.

I’ve had an amazing couple days… without him.

And for that… I feel guilty.

It’s a fucked up thing, being a widow who’s in love with a new partner…

 

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One thought on “4 and a half years

  1. nomorehotmess says:

    Someone once told me that guilt is a useless feeling. But I understand it. And it is hard being in a relationship with someone else. I am sure there is no guilt where our guys are. Only love. And I know there was never expectations for us to be old, single, bitter women waiting to die. Do you. Do happiness. We haven’t forgotten our past loves, and all of the blessed memories we have shared. They just have to share our hearts with a new love. So here’s to new love, new life, a new year!
    A fellow widow.

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