I dreamed about him the other night.
It was the first time in… I don’t know how long…
He was sick. I had already met my Sexxy Chef. Fallen in love. We knew he wasn’t going to survive. I don’t understand how in the dream I could have fallen in love with someone else… but there it was.
So I went to see him again as they were taking him off machines.
Then… weirdness… he woke up.
They disconnected the ventilator. He started breathing on his own. He started talking to me.
And suddenly, I found myself stuck in the position of having to explain to my husband… that I was engaged to my Sexxy Chef. Showed off the ring and everything.
In my dream I was crying because how? How am I supposed to love someone else when my husband is RIGHT THERE?
He spoke to me. He let me know that it was ok, that he loved me and that it was ok for me to be in love with someone else.
Which made waking up next to the Sexxy Chef even more … discombobulating?
How do I go from hugging and holding my dead husband to hugging and holding my live fiance?
The dream didn’t make me cry – but I did have difficulty processing that one.
I struggle with just being “happy” about my future. I feel the need to modify statements like “I’ve never been so happy” with things like “… since Mark died”
Or if I’m blogging here about how very happy I am, there’s always got to be some “but that doesn’t take away from my life with Mark” type sentence or paragraph.
I loved Mark, with all my heart and soul. I will always love him. He was the love of my life… then.
I love my Sexxy Chef… with all my heart and soul. I will always love him. He is the love of my life… now.
The two can co-exist. And I think he came to me in that dream to let me know that I don’t have to modify my love for the Sexxy Chef with something about Mark because the one does not cancel out the other.