Why is 5 So Hard?

In the various widowed communities I belong to, there seems to be a common thread of “year 5 is hard, why is year 5 so hard after everything has been going so well?”

I have a theory, as I enter into year 5 and things are starting to get hard.

You see, things are going incredibly well in my life.

I’ve met my Chapter 2 (the Sexxy Chef).

We’re engaged.

His family loves me and vice versa.

I’m in my last semester of the Practical Nursing program.

I’m buying a house.

I’ve got good friends.

And I’m sad.  I’m weepy.  I’m leaky.

So why is 5 so hard?

My theory is that because not only do we have the dates as triggers, we have the DAYS.

Mark got sick on Thursday, January 19, 2012.  This year, after 5 years, January 19 falls on a Thursday.

So everything that happened… every change in health, every decision, every thing that affected the outcome… will trigger on the same DAY.

So on Thursday, January 19, 2017, I will remember that at 9pm-ish 5 years ago… I woke up from a nap on the couch to find him in the bathroom vomiting.  That about 10pm we’ll have called and had the ambulance there.  That on Friday, January 20… 5 years ago, the diagnosis will be given.  That on Saturday, January 21 it will have been 5 years since he went into ICU. And 5 years ago, on a Sunday, January 22, I will be sitting with the charge nurse and the surgeon being told that my husband had only 5-7% chance of survival.

Not only are the dates the same, but the days are as well.

That’s my theory as to why year 5 is so hard.

It may be bullshit.  But it is what it is.  And this is year 5.

Grief Is Like the Ocean

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