Aftermath

Usually you think of an aftermath as being something you experience after an unpleasant experience. In fact, dictionary.com defines aftermath as:

  1. something that results or follows from an event, especially one of adisastrous or unfortunate nature; consequence:
         the aftermath of war; the aftermath of the flood.
And any other year – I would have said that I’m living in the aftermath of the devastation of another year without him. But this year is different.
There was no big emotional drama.  There was no devastating moments. There was only a pervasive sadness and a few small tears and then I got to do some amazing wound care and… done.
So now I’m dealing with the aftermath of having felt…. nothing? No, not nothing.  But it’s almost anti-climatic?
I didn’t spend a lot of time fighting my brain.
I didn’t spend a lot of time in a deep depression.
I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about what was or what could be or what never would be.
I lived.
I worked.
I loved.
I cried.
And another year passed.
It’s been 5 years… and the aftermath of that is that I have children and grandchildren and an amazing future and while I don’t get to share any of it with him… a lot of it wouldn’t have happened if he had been here.
That’s the truth of my aftermath.
I love my life. I love my future.  And the aftermath of his death, and the things that have happened in the 5 years since… the aftermath of that is a beautiful one.
He is my beautiful past. And I would have loved to be able to share all of this with him.  And I cry when I think about the people I have met who will never know him other than through my memories.
But my future is bright.
What no one realizes (unless you’re going through it) is the broken guilt of loving and wanting the future that is in front of you – even though you couldn’t have had it without the loss of the person behind you.
That’s the other truth of my aftermath.
And for today… today I will just enjoy my home… my kids… my grandkids if I see them… my memories… and my man.
Because the aftermath is worth it.
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