6 Years

I’ve reached a point in my grief where I feel as though I don’t have the … right? to grieve anymore.

At least not publicly.

Or even in my home in front of other people.

Especially not my Sexxy Chef.

Except I still grieve.  And I try to hide it.

6 years ago, Mark went into the hospital.  At this point, 6 years ago, we had come through a surgery that was his only hope.  He survived it.  He was stable, but still incredibly fragile, medically speaking.

At 6 years… the grief is still there.  I still hurt.  I still miss him. I still think life is INCREDIBLY unfair that he is not here to be a part of everything that goes on. I still wonder what he would think, how he would feel with all the changes in our lives.

Luke is now Leah.

Andrew has had 2 girlfriends.

Katie has a son.

Kyle has 2 boys.

I’ve become a nurse.

And we live in the place I swore I’d never move to.

But after 6 years, I wonder what words to use to describe the things that hurt. How many ways can I say I miss him? How many ways can I say it’s not fair? How many ways can I say I hurt because he’s not here?

3 years ago, someone asked me why I was still grieving so hard over him.

3 years ago.

Which makes me wonder – how many people look at my life, my new love, my ability to move forward and walk through and would see me grieving hard and ask me WTF? Why are there still tears? Why are you still sad? Why are you still grieving so hard?

My only answer is that I grieve as hard as I love.

I loved him enormously.  I died when he did. But I’m still here, breathing, living, growing, moving forward in my life.

So after 6 years, I don’t know if I have many new words to describe how I feel because he’s not here. But the ones I have are still very important.

I love him.

I miss him.

Mark in Fruitvale




5 thoughts on “6 Years

  1. Annmarie says:

    Thank you for your words. I feel like you speak my thoughts and it helps me realize I am not so different than any other person grieving the loss of their love. Thank you.

  2. Gloria Kozlosky says:

    It’s almost 3 years since 3/25/15, the day i lost my husband, Bill, after 53 years of marriage. I don’t think, at age 74, that i will ever stop grieving; i’ll live with it until i die. I don’t usually want to share my grief.

    At age 74, my Bill drove us to the hospital for his minor back surgery, then he had an unexpected heart attack and died in ICU a week later. I’ve remembered that week thousands of times; blaming myself for not trying to talk him out of having surgery. He had already gone through other major surgeries, and, after all, he was my “Rock” and i was in denial that anything could happen to him.

    I so agree with what you wrote: “The grief is still there. I still hurt. I still miss him. I still think life is INCREDIBLY unfair that he is not here to be a part of everything that goes on. I still wonder what he would think, how he would feel with all the changes in our lives.”

    I constantly feel the underlying sadness and wonder why i am still even here, without him. Then the guilty feelings come: 53 years married to a great guy. How many people are that lucky?? I hesitate to talk to my kids because it’s embarrassing to be whining too much, and i know how badly they also miss him. I also feel guilty that i didn’t give enough compassion to the women i know who made this horrible widow’s journey before me. I’m grateful for the widows who have shared their experiences and strength with me. It helped prepare me for the never ending pain and sadness.

    When he died; i felt like i was literally cut in half, right down the middle. I kept getting “electric shocks” for weeks. I talk to his urn whenever i go in my bedroom. I still go to grief support groups. I had started volunteering again for Hospice, but decided it’s too sad now for me. I try to keep busy, and don’t want to become a burden to my kids.

    I don’t burst into tears as much as in the first two years, but I know there will always be tears. I cry so much easier now, about everything, both sad and happy things! So many women have walked this sad path before me, so i tell myself this is a major, BIG life lesson to get through.

    I truly, truly DO feel your pain! Thank you so much for sharing. It is so tough and lonely to not still have your Best Friend! You are right: the more you love; the more you grieve.

  3. Jacqueline says:

    Hi Sunny Jane. I’ve followed you for a while and we’ve had some similar experiences. Just wanted to say that having passed the 6 year anniversary of loosing my soulmate I still feel grief but know others think I am OK, should be OK. So you are “normal” in my book, whatever normal is now! Although I am trying to build a new life I would rather be making something new with my Paul – our life together was always full of new things. Just today I cried hard when I paused in the busy-ness of my “new” life in front of one of his photos to tell him what I am up to now. I miss him so and know I always will. 34 years is not wiped out by his dying, no matter what comes afterwards. I’ve changed jobs and now have the best job I’ve ever had, I have taken up painting and my work is selling already. I may well have achieved these things were Paul still with me. I’ve had one (totally unsuitable) relationship and now have great times with a new friend who I’d like more with – though he does not feel the same way. I’ve just this evening made a date with an on-line contact, another seems interested/interesting. Maybe I will find love again, but I will always miss Paul and the future we cannot share.

  4. loycer2014 says:

    Continue to grieve privately your way/your home. I’m four years out in a few years after decades of marriage but know that many are grieving and many will grieve as such is life when we choose to LIVE same.

  5. Erica Herd says:

    I lost my husband in a car accident on September 29, 2016. It’s offensive to me that someone would ask you why you are grieving so hard after 3 years. I know I will never forget my husband or stop mourning the fact that he died, and so young. I am moving forward with my life, but the death of a spouse is not something you ever “get over.” I will always love him no matter who else comes into my life.

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