difficult company

Life as a Widower

I’ve tried, so far unsuccessfully, to find out who wrote this poem. Whoever did has done a brilliant job of capturing the ‘please always be there for me except for all the times I don’t want you to be’ need state of a grieving person. I trust the author won’t mind me reproducing it here but I’d love to add a credit if anyone knows who was behind it.

From my personal standpoint, this is for all the people I hope will check in on me but whose calls I ignore when they do. Believe me when I say that I love you all but grief’s a bitch like that.

Hold me close and go away
Please visit me and please don’t stay
Talk to me but please don’t speak
I need you NOW – come back next week.

Emotions muddled, needs unknown
To be with others or on my…

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Aaaaandddd There It Is.

the ripping, tearing, searing pain…

the tears and sadness…

the closed up throat, the lack of breath.. .

the cotton, the numbness…

the inability to think…

I’ve been staring at the computer screen – hoping to have my brain realize that it needs to DO something…

only to realize time has passed and I’ve done nothing.

Chunks of time lost, memories wrapping me in a coccoon…

The Little Things

Your socks on the floor…

Your cooking…

Your useless trivia…

Your ability to calm me down with a look…

It’s the little things death took.

Your snores in the night…

The coffee you’d bring me…

The “I love you” texts…

The way you always checked on me…

Its the little things I’ll never again see.

The touch of your hand…

The sound of your breath…

The taste of your lips…

The smile when we kiss…

It’s the little things I miss.

I Don’t Want To

I don’t want to be this person.

This angry, out of control, frustrated, spinning, seriously sad, depressed, mad person.

I don’t want to be the person everyone looks at and says “Hey- there she goes – that woman’s husband died and then she lost her mind and now she’s mentally ill and kinda crazy… watch out for her”

I don’t want to be the person who can’t handle life.

I don’t want to be the person who’s brain tells her one thing and then another and then another.

I want to be me again.

I want to be strong.

I want to be confident.

I want to be in control.

I want to be self-assured.

I want to be loveable.

I want to feel right in my skin.

I want to be comfortable with me.

I want to be me again.

I lost me.   I died when he did.  I want me back.  I hate the feelings and thoughts that come out of my brain and permeate my consciousness and colour my perspective on life.

I want to feel cohesive again.

I want to feel safe again.

I want to know that my family is still my family and I didn’t lose them because I lost my husband.

I want me back.

Beam Me Up – P!nk

There’s a whole ‘nother conversation going on
In a parallel universe.
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts.
There’s a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you’re looking at me.

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute’s enough,
Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath I caught one last sight
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I’m on my own,
That’s how you tell me, I’m not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute’s enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there’s
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I’ll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I’ll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute’s enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

 

Stuck Again

I’m having problems with crying again.

I can’t seem to release the emotion, release the tears, just let it all go.

It’s stuck.  It’s a ball of pain clogging up my chest, my throat, my head.

I move and something sticks and sharp pains lance through my body, with no way to escape them.

I twist and turn, trying to avoid the heartache, trying to find some relief.

I avoid, I eat, I seek out distractions.

But I still hurt.

Missing him… wanting him…

This is surreal.  There’s a part of my brain, my emotions that says “he’s coming back.”

I look at pictures of him, and I can FEEL his presence.

But I can’t cry.

I cry alone, mostly.   But I’m rarely alone these days.

Children need me.   Friends love me.

I can’t cry.   I’m stuck.   Afraid to be caught in tears.   Afraid to make other people sad.

The pain has not lessened… it’s simply easier to shunt away.

It’s still there… poking, stabbing, stealing my breath away… and I have no release.

Christmas Eve

The room is silent,

lights twinkling

the smell of cinnamon & nutmeg

turkey soup boiling

the sound of boys sleeping

and far off snow falling

anticipation of the morning…

giggles and laughter

I’m not ready for.

I can’t stop time

Or turn back the clock

Days gone by.

Lost in memories

Christmases with you

I want to go back,

hold on to the perfect moment in time

Let go of the pain, and revel in the love we shared.

And without warning…

the moment passes.

Christmas is here…

without you.