Note to readers: this is a blog post that was in drafts from 2013. I didn’t post it then, I don’t know why. I’m not sure where the deodorant went. But that smell. I miss it.
I’ve finally got some time to go through and read the blogs I’ve been missing. Gawd I’ve been missing them. THIS daily prompt caught my eye and I needed to write…
I keep a couple of things at my bedside, on my vanity table. One is the collection of dimes from the last 14 months. The other is a half used men’s deodorant.
It was Mark’s. I am blessed. I have a video of him talking so I get to hear his voice. I have pictures that remind me what he looks like. I have in that same video, his laugh. Oh how I miss his laugh.
But his smell. That is elusive. He had scent issues. He couldn’t wear colognes. He would occasionally – just for me – but he’d suffer for it later with headaches.
But his deodorant… He’d get out of the shower, put it on and usually I’d get a hug or a kiss and I’d smell it on him.
If I open that half used deodorant, (and I won’t tell you how often, that’s between Mark and I) for a moment… For just a moment… I’m in his arms. I can feel his presence behind me, beside me, near me.
For that moment, the world springs back into place and the pain is gone and the loss is gone and for that moment… The last 20 months have been erased and I’m back at that night just before he got sick, and my world makes sense.
And then, I put the cap back on the deodorant, the grief and the loss and the reality hits me again and the discombobulation of what my life is comes firmly back into my consciousness.
As I get closer to moving day, the deodorant comes out more often. I’m saying goodbye to my life here and the grief is stronger and hits me harder and I while I’m so excited for the future, I’m terrified of losing the past entirely.
So I take myself back in time to when the word “widow’ didn’t apply to me, and there was a clear path in front of me.
The adventure ahead of me is exciting and full of promise…. but I can’t help but peek back through the door I’ve walked through to see what I’ve left behind….