Can this be the only time I write this blog? The night before my wedding?
Because I don’t believe in divorce. And I sure as FUCK don’t want to be widowed twice…
So tonight, before I marry my Sexxy Chef, I’d like to make sure this is the only time I write, on my widows blog, that this is the night before my wedding.
I am full of conflicting emotions.
Excitement to be his wife.
Sad to let go of the name I’ve had for the majority of my adult life.
There was a conversation between my future sister-in-law and me tonight while we were decorating.
In the “memorial” for those who have passed… we included Mark.
She asked, somewhat hesitantly, “Is Ryan ok with this?”
Yes, yes he is. He’s ok with it. He knows that I’m not coming into this marriage fresh and free with no past. He knows that part of my heart forever belongs to Mark. He’s ok with it because Mark was my past and he is my future.
I don’t stop being a widow because I’m getting married.
I don’t just turn off the feelings about my dead husband because I’m about to have a live husband.
Changing my name doesn’t change how I feel about the men I love.
But I am blessed to have someone who loves me enough to walk through fire with me, to weather the grief storm with me, to build a future on a foundation of love with me.
So on the night before my wedding… sleeping alone in my bed for the first time in a long while… I get to reflect on how lucky I am to have loved, not once, but twice, enough to wear the title of wife. How lucky I am to have been someone’s happily ever after. How lucky I am that tomorrow, I get to marry the man I will spend the rest of my life loving.
Part of my vows to him:
I can’t promise to love you for the rest of your life, but I promise I will love you for the rest of mine.
I will love Mark for the rest of my life. I will love Ryan for the rest of my life.
My heart is big enough to love them both.