Life is not as brutally painful this year. But today? Today has still been a sad one for me.
I got up, took the Sexxy Chef to work. Got my stuff together and drove and hour and a bit to play some roller derby.
I had mini grief storms that I maintained control over because I wasn’t alone in my car.
I sucked it up and skated.
I ignored my feelings.
I got home and there were people in my house. People I love, people I’m excited to spend time with, but people, nonetheless.
They all finally left about an hour ago.
And now? Now those feelings are locked up and stuffed away and I can’t access them anymore.
I miss my Dad.
I miss my Mark.
I hurt for them not being here and being able to see my amazing grandchildren.
The little man was here and he wanted something from me and he said “Ta” asking for it.
Mark always said Ta. It’s an English thing apparently.
And I was sad that he wasn’t here.
And my Sexxy Chef was exhausted and lost in his own head so not connected to me in a way I wanted to but couldn’t ask for because there were people here.
And so… at the end of Father’s Day…. I am alone in the dark, writing a blog about how I miss them.
Happy Father’s Day to you both. I know at least one of you came to visit today… I hope that you’re both at peace.
I love you both.