Here I am, 6 hours away from the calendar flip over from one year to the next.
I am alone, sorta. Hanging with my youngest son and his friend.
My Sexxy Chef is working, my older son is with his girlfriend.
While my Sexxy Chef will be off work in about 3 hours, I’ve volunteered to DD to help raise funds for my roller derby team. We’ll spend maybe half hour, an hour together on our first New Year’s Eve together.
I will spend the evening with my daughter. My oldest is in another town, and I’ll send him a text around midnight.
This is not the New Year’s Eve I anticipated.
I accept… that the Sexxy Chef has to work. I accept it. I understand it. I understand that the nature of his job means that he can’t join me in volunteering because of tomorrow’s work schedule.
I accept that.
I don’t like it.
I have spent too many New Year’s Eve’s alone in the past 5 years.
Before Mark went into the hospital, New Years was puzzles. Drinks. And after I met Kathy it was a party.
It was surrounded by people.
This alone thing… feels weird.
New Year’s 2012 – Party at the Dunlops’
New Year’s 2013 – New relationship, don’t really remember New Years – was in a relationship that ultimately failed and posted *nothing* about what was going on on Dec 31, 2013
New Year’s 2014 – single, quiet evening.
New Year’s 2015 – single, went to a party. Won (?) mother of the year award by dragging my kids to said party (it was kid friendly) and let them have a couple drinks. Sent them home, stayed and tried to make myself feel better about my life by hooking up with a random.
This year, I’m in a fantastic relationship with a man I love. I am looking forward to our life together.
I’ve cried less over Mark.
I’ve cried more intensely over Mark.
I’ve found someone who will hold me and keep me together while I fall apart over Mark.
Christmas came and went… no tears shed, although it felt like I was going to on several occasions.
So another year has gone by. Every year marks one more that I’ve been without him. Every year is one closer to longer without him than I was with him. That frightens me.
It’s been almost 5 years since he got sick. 4 1/2 since he died. And while my future looks fucking amazing… I miss the future that isn’t.
But it’s a happy New Year. Despite being mostly alone, I’m surrounded by people who love me… I am blessed with many friends and a whole ‘nother family.
I hope your New Year shows promise of joy and laughter. If you’re reading this, fresh out from the loss of someone you love, know that it doesn’t get better, but it gets different. The pain you feel now will become a part of you, and you will feel joy again. It’s not the same as before…there’s always a thread of sadness and missing your person that will run through everything, but it becomes a part of who you are and the laughter and joy will be genuine.
You’re not alone, no matter how alone you feel right now. There’s a whole community you can reach out to – starting with me. And I can help you find someone closer if you’re looking for someone in your time zone.
Happy New Year to all my widda peeps and to all the friends and family who have been there for me the last 5 years.