It’s Your Birthday.

I’m writing this a day early.

You see, tomorrow is your birthday.  But it’s also date night. And while it’s your birthday, you’re DEAD and I have date night with my LIVING fiance.

I had to think this morning. I had to count the number of years you’d been gone vs how old you were when you died in order to remember that this would have been your 54th birthday.

It’s not that I don’t miss you – I miss you with every fibre of my being. It makes me cry when I stop and think about it.  I keep myself so busy that I don’t have time to stop and think a lot of the time.  I don’t want to miss you that much when I’m snuggled up to him. I don’t want to be laying in bed with him and wishing it were you.

I don’t want to be sad about you and have him make jokes to cheer me up when I just want to miss you.

I need those things to be somewhat separate. I need to miss you when I miss you and love him when I love him. They do intersect – he’s freaking amazing when it comes to my grief over you.

But there’s a shame, a guilt about missing you when I’m so happy with him. I don’t want to make him feel bad for not being you – but I don’t want him to be you – I want him to be him.

But it’s YOUR birthday tomorrow.  My 5th without you. My 6th without you at home. Actually my 7th without you at home – you were with Wade on your 48th, remember? You spent that birthday with Wade, the next birthday in the hospital and then you were gone.

Happy Birthday my Forever 49 Love.  You are missed. You are loved. You are always remembered.


Best Birthday Reaction EVER

Today is my son’s 13th birthday.   He was born 9 months and 3 days after my wedding to his Dad.   So if ever I started wondering how long we were married for, I’d just think about how old my Andrew is and know. 

Back when Mark died, I had keepsake jewellry made for me, Andrew, and Katie.  Luke got a keepsake urn, and Kyle got a ring. 

I had them sealed so that they wouldn’t start “leaking” bits of Mark all over the place. 

Someone else told Andrew he had to take it off when he went in water to prevent it from coming undone. 

One day, when Andrew went swimming… late August… he took his off at the pool. 

When he got out of the pool, it was gone. 

Somewhere, in Squamish, someone is wandering around with a fish necklace and my husband’s ashes. 

For his 13th birthday, I got him another one… when he woke up this morning, there was a present beside his head on  his bed.  (hey I rhyme!!)

The card was “Happy Birthday Andrew – Love, Daddy”

So he opened the present… it was wrapped really well, packaged in a bigger box, and in it’s own case. 

He got to the case, opened it just slightly…. dropped it and hugged me and said in a quiet, slightly choked up voice… “Thank you Mom”

Best birthday reaction ever. 

I know that the loss of the fish had been bothering him.   I know that it compounded his grief.  And now he has a piece of his Dad with him again. 

Happy 13th Birthday, Andrew… 

Andrew Birthday