Christmas is Hitting Hard

I almost managed to stay cheery.

I almost managed to get/stay in the Christmas spirit.

I almost managed to avoid the lead blanket that is starting to envelop me.

I almost.

It’s starting to hit… the lack of desire to do anything holiday-ish.

The lack of desire to finish the decorations.

The lack of desire to finish the Christmas crafting.

The lack of desire to do anything but sit on my couch.

I was hoping that this Christmas would be different. I was hoping I’d not get into a funk.

But here I sit.

Funk-a-fied.

Staring at an undecorated tree.

Staring at Christmas crafts that need to be completed.

Staring at the Christmas movie playing on the TV.

With a complete. lack. of desire. to do anything.

This is not where I want to be this Christmas.

This is not who I want to be.

I want to be happy and Christmas-y and bouncy and in love with life.

I know that a big part of me IS in love with life.  I have an amazing man who loves me, wants to marry me, and loves our life together.

But the fucking sadness of Christmas… ugh. It’s dragging at me.

So I’m watching cheesy Christmas movies and hoping the spirit will rise up..and I’ll get the damn tree decorated.

Because.  Christmas.  The most wonderful time of the year.

IMGP5737Christmas 2012 – first one without him.

Stupid Balancing Act

I’ve noticed something about myself recently.   I’m pretty sure it’s not a new phenomenon, but it’s been very evident over the past 4 or 5 months.

Its been especially noticeable to me in the last few weeks.

I put most everyone before me.

I will shove whatever’s going on with me aside in favour of what’s going on for everyone else.

I stopped blogging, for the most part, because I was afraid of hurting someone.  I stopped posting pictures of me and my husband because I didn’t want to upset someone.

I never asked him what he was feeling about it.

I never asked him if it WOULD hurt him.

When we first got together, I asked him if he was strong enough to handle my grief.  I asked him if he was able to deal with the fact that I WOULD cry over my husband.  I asked him if he would be able to handle seeing me upset.

He told me he would.  He did research.   He has given me no reason, through words or actions, to believe anything different.

But then… somehow, somewhere in MY head, I became afraid.  I worried that my posts like the one the other day about how I want my life back would make him think I didn’t want the life we have and are building.

The reality is that I need to express my grief.  I need to cry. I need to blog.  I need to talk to my widowed friends.  I need to go to Camp Widow and run my regional group and I need to be a widow.

It doesn’t change the fact that I am also his girlfriend and for the most part, that’s where my life is.

He’s my Chapter 2.  He’s my “and then.”  He’s my future.

And I still grieve over Mark.

I was trying to balance things that didn’t need balancing.   I was stuck in my own head and that is never a good place to be.

A conversation with him cleared things up.

You’ll be hearing from me more often.   That much silence means I have a LOT to say. :p

I’m done balancing.  I’m going to work more on communication.

Mar & Jane Wedding

 

Chapter 1

 

Chubb Lake April 2013

 

And then… chapter 2. 🙂