Father’s Day

I made it through Father’s Day.  I made it through the day mostly because I had been riding on a derby high from 3 bouts in 24 hours.

I got home, emotionally crashed, and slept.

The missing him, it’s visceral. Every day that goes by is another day further from him being on this Earth, from him being at my side, from him getting to see his children and grandchildren.

How do I explain to his grandsons who he was and how amazing he was? How can I get them to understand?

Short answer… I can’t.  They’ll never know.

The countdown of days is on. I had a breakdown on the way to school yesterday. The weight of the day of his death gets heavier with each day. I know… or at least I hope… from past years, that it will lighten up again after the 26th, but for now, I’m simply walking through my days, hoping I don’t crash and burn.

I miss him.


I’ve had anger pop up lately.

I’m angry that he died.  That the beautiful life we planned was cut short.  That he’s not here to see the amazing grandbabies.  That I’m raising two young men to adulthood without his influence.  That he’s not HERE for me to lean into.  That he’s missing out on so much.

I’m angry that Father’s Day is coming up and I have NO IDEA what to do to honour him. Or if the boys and Katie WANT to honour him.  I’m angry that they don’t have their father to celebrate.

I’m angry that he left me.  That I’m alone. That I have to date again if I don’t want to be alone.  That all the good things, all the sad things, all the frustrating things go unsaid because he’s NOT HERE.

I’m angry because he’s not here.

(as a side note, I’m reading this and the children’s book “Red Is Best” keeps popping up in my head.  Thanks Mark for the giggle in the midst of the anger)

I’m angry because I’ll never again know what it’s like to kiss him to insensibility.  I’ll never again feel his arms around me, hear his heartbeat, feel his warmth.   I’ll never again have him run his fingertips up my back while I’m trying to read before falling asleep because he’s trying to get my “ahem” attention. (he usually succeeded)

I’m angry because I don’t know if what I’m doing is right.  Because I could always bounce ideas off him.  He was beyond smart.  Tested at 20+ years of education.  Only finished gr. 10.  And he was so freaking smart.  And I don’t have that to bounce my thoughts against anymore.

I’m angry because he died.

And so many other’s get to live.

In 9 days it will be 3 years.  Every year I inch closer and closer to 49, the age he is forever.  And I’m angry that there will come a day when I’ll be older than him.  I was never supposed to be older than him.

I Miss You

Sneaky Triggers…

L:  Mom, can I call my friend and ask if I can go for a sleep over there?

Me:  No it’s Father’s Day tomor…. never mind.  Go ahead.

L: Ok.

Yeah.  Father’s Day doesn’t have the same meaning anymore.  And now I get to hurt because for a moment, I forgot.

I got the downstairs kitchen cleaned in the process of trying to distract myself from the hurt.

AND found the source of the smell I’ve been trying to track down for the last few days.

Mark watching over us again, I suppose – if it wasn’t for that random trigger – I wouldn’t have cleaned up the kitchen, and I wouldn’t have found that the burner was on and melting the cooler sitting on it.   It was a fire danger… and now we’re safe.

Happy Father’s Day Mark.   We miss you.

Mark in Fruitvale

Father’s Day

I wasn’t thinking about Father’s Day in terms of what it means to me and my boys.   I was thinking about my three step-sons and how I was going to make it special for my boyfriend.

It didn’t occur to think of us… I get to spoil *someone* and be happy with his enjoyment of the day.

And then I saw this:

Father’s Day can be a grief trigger for widowed people in so many ways, here are just a few possibilities:

* You miss parenting with your partner
*Your kids miss their Dad
*You miss your kids Dad, too
*Your partner never got to be a Dad
*You have a new partner who is great with your kid/s, but they still miss their Dad
*You are a widowed Dad, and you miss celebrating this day with your love
*Maybe you also miss your own Dad, if he has died, too

However Father’s Day challenges you, remember that love never dies. Remember that Father’s Day is a reminder of the love Dad’s have for their kids…a love that can’t be erased by death. And if you are in the fortunate position of having even more love in your life this Father’s Day, know that your kid/s will find a way to do the same thing you’ve done, welcome the future, while valuing the past.Give them time and space to find their way, and the unique understanding that only you can give them. 

Every loving person who comes into our lives brings something important, and unique, with them. Embrace love, friends, in it’s many forms, because love lives on and on. 

– Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
And I remembered… it’s the 2nd Father’s Day without my husband, without my kids’ father.   It’s the 4th Father’s Day since my Dad died.
And that…. sucks.
Seriously sucks.
There’s 4 days until Father’s Day.  I don’t have any plans for the boys and their father.   I don’t have any plans for Father’s Day at all.
Because it hurts again.
I was ok until I saw that.  I’m very good at putting  my emotions in a box and keeping them segregated from the rest of my life… most of the time.
4 days…  And I’m going to do my damnedest to make it happen for my boyfriend and his boys.
But I hurt.
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Happy Father’s Day!!

Today Mark looks rough, he’s tired and keeps drifting off. Everytime he opens his eyes though, he gives me a super sweet smile. 

Kidney function is improving, lung function is doing well, and they’ve started feeds again. 

Had a ling conversation with his doctor about the measures we’re taking to help him recover and he assured me that we’re still doing everything in Mark’s best interests. 

He is optimistic for Mark’s recovery. 

Surgery today for a wash out and change of sponges. 

Good news, Mark is well enough to be in a double – he doesn’t need one on one care.

This was my Facebook status update for Father’s Day (June 17) 2012.

I find it hard to believe that it has been almost a year.  On Father’s Day 2012 – we still expected him to get better.  He’d had some serious setbacks, but being in a double meant that there was one nurse for two patients.  This meant that while he was still in ICU – he didn’t require as much care as the sicker patients.  He was getting better.

My Dad died in April 2011.   This Father’s Day marks the second without my Dad, the first without my husband/father of my kids and the last of the firsts before we hit the one year mark since Mark died.

I was in the walk in yesterday to get a prescription refilled and the doc asked me about my mood… I told him about my husband, we had a conversation about how the one year anniversary is an emotional time and so given that I’d lost my husband, I should give it more time past the one year and check in with my doctor about my mood.

I told him that no, I haven’t lost my husband, I know exactly where he was….

Yep – morbid sense of humour.

My mood is not really stable – its stable-ish with a side order of mood swings. I’m functional with occasional leaks.

There is so much amazing stuff happening in my life right now, which makes me VERY happy, and full of joy, combined with the grief of losing Mark and all our dreams for the future… which makes me VERY sad.  So my day can go up and down without warning.

I hurt for my kids especially today.  The older two are dealing with the lost of their Grandpa as well as two Dad’s…  My younger two are dealing with the loss of their Dad… and while everyone else in “spoil Dad” mode… we’re just having another day.

And I’m sad for my kids. I want so much to take the hurt away from them…. My oldest is becoming a Dad and he doesn’t have his Dad to  get advice from – I hope that he got enough through example that he can have “conversations” with him and know what Mark would have told him.   My daughter is such a Daddy’s girl… I hope that her boyfriend will be gentle with her today… hug her and love her lots.

And my boys… I am so sad for them because they do not get the blessing of having been raised to adulthood by Mark.  My older two were – but I hope that there was enough influence that they take his example with them through adult hood.

Mark was the yin to my yang.  We balanced each other out and together were a wonderful parenting team.  Without him I am less balanced… but I do my best.

Happy Father’s Day… to all those father’s in our hearts…


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