So Much Missed Blogging

This is what happens when you go away for a while and don’t take your computer… you can’t blog.

And there’s SO MUCH BLOGGING inside.

So much to say.

So many emotions.

So many tears.

So many joyful moments.

That I can’t share.

But now I’m back!

I’m so in love with this face:

Jeremy

He has my heart.

I got to spend a couple days with him – went out to see him and his Mamma & Daddy. I got to hold him.  I got to coo at him. I got to breathe in his scent.

And the whole 9 1/2 hours away thing sucks major donkey balls.

Mark was on my mind so much throughout that trip.  How he’d have been so freaking excited.  How he would have loved to hold his grandson.  How proud he would have been of Kyle and how good of a Daddy he is and will be.

I spent an entire day in bed just thinking about how much I missed him.

It wasn’t until I got home that the emotions overwhelmed me.

And then I was cleaning my bedroom and a small box of “stuff” tumbled off my bed and opened up and spilled out mementos…

Sucker Punch.

Twisty pain.  White hot searing pain ripping me apart.

My Kyle has told me that he’s surprisingly (for him) not panicked or anxious or anything – he’s just calm.

I told him that’s because his Dad is watching over him.  Proud of who he is, who he’s become and the gorgeous baby boy come into our lives.

Mark’s with him.  That’s why he’s so very calm.

Plus – I think Kyle was just *meant* to be a dad.  Full stop.  He was just born to be a Daddy.

I know this post is kinda all over the place – and I apologize to my readers for that – its just that theres SO FREAKING MUCH inside that I haven’t been able to make sense of for the last while – I haven’t been able to process.

And it’s all jumbled up.

I cried for the first time in a while today – broke down.  I’m on stress leave right now – and not being able to cry has been messing with my head.  I’m in a place where I *can* cry – I have the physical space to – but I can’t.  It’s stuck again.

I hurt, I’m depressed, I go through entire days with anxiety attacks. I can’t focus and I can’t think and this blog was going to help me process again so I could move forward again into life.

The bright spot in all this mess and confusion is my man, my boys, my daughter and my grandbaby.

I don’t want to hurt anymore.  I miss Mark so much… I can see a different future now, but I still grieve for the life lost…. I still hurt.

But damn – this little man is cute:

2014-01-28