Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to the newest member of my family!!

My daughter gave birth to a beautiful little man on December 21. He is my second grandchild.

This is also my fourth Christmas without him.

It seems so unreal that he’s not here for his grandsons…

I don’t even know how to fathom that.  He wanted grandkids. I wanted more kids, he kept saying that we’d wait for grandkids.

He’d play Santa.

He’d play with them.

He wanted grandkids so very badly.   And he’s not here… Zeddicus Wellington

 

I’m told there will come a point where the pain, the stabbing reminders that he’s NOT HERE will eventually subside and be replaced with joyful memories and gratitude for a happy life shared.

I’d like that for Christmas this year please.

That’s all.  All I want is to smile because it happened, not cry because it’s over.

I want to remember him and honour him and be joyful in the life we shared… while I’m living an amazing life I’ve built.

It hurts… as much as I am joyful, as much as I am in love with my grandsons, it hurts that I can’t share them with him…

I am a Grandma without a Grandpa.

At some point, I’d really like to have my life be about all the things it IS, not what is NOT.

Peace

I am not at peace… not yet… not all the time…

But it is a happy beautiful Christmas this year.  I got a grandson. I got to be there for his birth.  I got to be with all of my children, and my children’s grandparents for “our” Christmas – which we did 2 days early – and I got to see my older grandson over Skype.  And I’ve found 2 dimes from him these last few days.  So I know he’s been around.

It is, it was a beautiful Christmas.

I still miss him.  I still miss our life. And I miss the Metalhead Poet.

But it is an amazing Christmas – even if it didn’t feel very Christmas-y.

Grandbaby!!!

I got news today that in January 2014 I will be a Gramma.

I am OVER THE TOP EXCITED about this!!

I have had serious baby lust for several years now as my boys have grown older and moved past the baby/toddler stage.   I have been shot down… he felt too old.  There was no guarantee we’d get a girl.  He didn’t really have the energy for a little one.   Wait for grandkids, he said.

So I let the dream… fall to the wayside.    I let it go.  In my heart, my family has not felt complete, but with all his health problems… I knew it was for the best.

So together we dreamed and planned and looked forward to the day where we’d be Gramma and Grampa.

And then he got sick and died.

I didn’t let go of the dream of having a grandbaby – but I didn’t think about it much.   After all – I have 2 boys to raise to adulthood and my older kids are in the middle of persueing their dreams.   Grandbabies didn’t seem like they’d be in the works anytime soon.

This morning, I got a text from my oldest son’s fiance…. a picture of a positive pregnancy test.

In the space of 30 seconds, I rapidly cycled between elation (YAY BABIES!!!) to deep sorrow that he couldn’t be here to celebrate this with me.

This is something we were supposed to do together.

The news was slightly bittersweet.   A few tears escaped… joy? sorrow?  I wasn’t sure.  But overall – the pervasive feeling is one of joy, elation, excitement and impatience.

I want to meet my new grandbaby, dammit!!

I am hoping there will be something to honour Mark in the baby’s name…but if not, that’s their choice – they have plans and hopes and dreams for their child.

But I get to spoil that baby rotten…. 😀 And then give him/her back to his/her parents, after 😛

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The babydaddy – 1 year old 🙂