Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to the newest member of my family!!

My daughter gave birth to a beautiful little man on December 21. He is my second grandchild.

This is also my fourth Christmas without him.

It seems so unreal that he’s not here for his grandsons…

I don’t even know how to fathom that.  He wanted grandkids. I wanted more kids, he kept saying that we’d wait for grandkids.

He’d play Santa.

He’d play with them.

He wanted grandkids so very badly.   And he’s not here… Zeddicus Wellington

 

I’m told there will come a point where the pain, the stabbing reminders that he’s NOT HERE will eventually subside and be replaced with joyful memories and gratitude for a happy life shared.

I’d like that for Christmas this year please.

That’s all.  All I want is to smile because it happened, not cry because it’s over.

I want to remember him and honour him and be joyful in the life we shared… while I’m living an amazing life I’ve built.

It hurts… as much as I am joyful, as much as I am in love with my grandsons, it hurts that I can’t share them with him…

I am a Grandma without a Grandpa.

At some point, I’d really like to have my life be about all the things it IS, not what is NOT.

Peace

I am not at peace… not yet… not all the time…

But it is a happy beautiful Christmas this year.  I got a grandson. I got to be there for his birth.  I got to be with all of my children, and my children’s grandparents for “our” Christmas – which we did 2 days early – and I got to see my older grandson over Skype.  And I’ve found 2 dimes from him these last few days.  So I know he’s been around.

It is, it was a beautiful Christmas.

I still miss him.  I still miss our life. And I miss the Metalhead Poet.

But it is an amazing Christmas – even if it didn’t feel very Christmas-y.

Christmas Sucks

The good things about this Christmas:

  1. My daughter
  2. My daughter’s baby that’s due a few days ago and will be induced in 2 days.
  3. My sons.
  4. Most of my family together (only one missing is my grandson)

Things that suck about this Christmas:

  1. Lack of decorations
  2. Lack of places for me to be (and by that, I mean have privacy, have time for me, have time to grieve or cry or be angry.
  3. Sleeping on a couch, in a living room, when everyone gets up stupidly early.
  4. It doesn’t feel like Christmas.  At all.  None of it.

I wake up in a mood every morning.  I wake up teary and full of emotion and full of grief and I have to swallow it down because I have no where to express it.

I can’t cry in privacy.

I can’t grieve in privacy.

I’m with people from the moment I open my eyes until the moment I shut them.

I’m around people all. freaking. day.

There’s no where, not really even the bathroom (only one bathroom, pregnant person in the house and 3 other boys/men) so no extended time in there – and besides, no bathtub to just relax in.

I can’t curl up on a bed – the only one here belongs to my very pregnant daughte.r

I can’t curl up on a couch or a chair and have no one sitting with me, there’s one couch and that’s it for seating.

So I’m awake, with insomnia, at 2am.   She’s probably going to go into labour tomorrow, if not, she’ll be induced the next day, and I’m going to be exhausted.

This Christmas feels wrong on so many levels – I don’t even know how to express it.   I am doing nothing in terms of what I normally do.  There are no traditions.  There is no Christmas joy.  Just people going to work and waiting for a baby.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited for the baby… but I feel lost without Christmas.   And he’s dead and he’s not here and so this Christmas the absence is felt SO much more strongly.

I get a grandbaby.  I have to trade my Christmas traditions and my Christmas joy for that.  And that’s mostly ok.  But it’s not.

And for the first time I can’t articulate clearly how I feel.  Because I KNOW I should just be happy and grateful for the things I have – but FUCK!  Christmas joy is what keeps me from wanting to die from missing him so much.

Seriously.

The baby’s not here yet.  Maybe that will change after baby gets here.

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Grandbaby!!!

I got news today that in January 2014 I will be a Gramma.

I am OVER THE TOP EXCITED about this!!

I have had serious baby lust for several years now as my boys have grown older and moved past the baby/toddler stage.   I have been shot down… he felt too old.  There was no guarantee we’d get a girl.  He didn’t really have the energy for a little one.   Wait for grandkids, he said.

So I let the dream… fall to the wayside.    I let it go.  In my heart, my family has not felt complete, but with all his health problems… I knew it was for the best.

So together we dreamed and planned and looked forward to the day where we’d be Gramma and Grampa.

And then he got sick and died.

I didn’t let go of the dream of having a grandbaby – but I didn’t think about it much.   After all – I have 2 boys to raise to adulthood and my older kids are in the middle of persueing their dreams.   Grandbabies didn’t seem like they’d be in the works anytime soon.

This morning, I got a text from my oldest son’s fiance…. a picture of a positive pregnancy test.

In the space of 30 seconds, I rapidly cycled between elation (YAY BABIES!!!) to deep sorrow that he couldn’t be here to celebrate this with me.

This is something we were supposed to do together.

The news was slightly bittersweet.   A few tears escaped… joy? sorrow?  I wasn’t sure.  But overall – the pervasive feeling is one of joy, elation, excitement and impatience.

I want to meet my new grandbaby, dammit!!

I am hoping there will be something to honour Mark in the baby’s name…but if not, that’s their choice – they have plans and hopes and dreams for their child.

But I get to spoil that baby rotten…. 😀 And then give him/her back to his/her parents, after 😛

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The babydaddy – 1 year old 🙂