Grief Storms

But damn the grief has hit me.

I keep going back to my wedding photos of me marrying my Sexxy Chef hoping that it will pull me out of my funk but the reality is that loving the Sexxy Chef does NOT override missing Mark.

So I’m at work, feeling like a lead blanket is draped over me, grateful my patients are fairly stable and undemanding.

Because I just want to curl up and ignore life for the next few days.

 

Grief Storms Still Happen

I’m getting married in 24 days.

I was reading a post made by a fellow derby girl who also happens to be a recent widow.

Tears threatened.  I’m at work.  Not cool.

And then I was blogging on the other site (my fitness blog) and adding a picture to it and there was my husband’s face.  His glorious, handsome, full of love, face.

And tears again.

Dammit.

I’m 24 days away from my wedding.

I’m so in love with my fiance. I am looking forward to spending my life with him.

And I am incredibly lucky that he understands that the grief storms do not in any way diminish those two statements.

6 years out. I’m coming up on my hell month – the time between Mark’s birthday and his death day.  And all the dates in between.  And I quite deliberately stuck my wedding date in there.

Because grief storms happen.

Grief happens.

Love happens.

Joy happens.

And I don’t want all my life to be about the grief and the sadness.

I am ok with it when it shows up, like tonight but in the end, I want to celebrate life. His life, my life, my new life, my old life.

I want to celebrate who I am and how far I’ve come.

I miss him. I love him. And he is forever a part of me.

And I am happy in life.

Random Grief Storms

This one wasn’t so much of a storm as it was a bit of a shower.

In the middle of class, talking about the family of patients, and a classmate talks about her experiences as the daughter being there for the mom in an actual setting.

I know her mom died.

I don’t know why… but flashbacks.  Random memories. How the amazing nurses treated me vs how the competent nurses treated me vs how the ok nurses treated me vs how the awful nurses treated me.

And tears.  In the middle of class.  Nowhere to hide.

But I managed to get them under control, because do I really want to explain to everyone how devastating it was and how amazing it was to be in that position?

Nope.  Not today. But the grief storm hit anyhow.  And I dealt with it.

It’s nice? to know that the randomness will still hit me. Without warning.

YAY! for random grief storms. *sigh*

Really okStages-of-Grief

That Moment When…

You have a meltdown because it’s the day before your husband died.

You fall apart completely because it was the day that your husband decided he wanted to turn off the machines.

You sob uncontrollably because you can’t shut the memories off and they just keep hitting you over and over like you’re in an angry ocean that keeps slamming wave after wave into you.

You are a snotty, teary mess because it’s 4 years since he died.

And you’re doing it all in the arms of someone who is new in your life, and he’s perfectly ok with it.

That moment when you think… just for a moment, that the person holding you might actually be perfect (he’s not, not really but for that moment it felt like it)

And after, when you’re blowing your nose and apologizing for turning a lovely sexy romantic morning into a grief storm, he tells you that it’s ok, that you need to go through the emotions, feel them, express them because if you don’t you can’t heal.

It’s that moment when you feel, for the first time since your husband’s death, that you have solid footing under you again.

Turn On the Light

The Grief Storm

I think the grief storm set off by Grey’s Anatomy is passing.

It’s been almost 2 days since Derek died, since Meredith had to agree to terminate life support.

Almost 2 days since I was triggered back in time to relive that day.

I realized last night when I was telling someone else what had happened and I managed to tell it without my voice hitching, without tears welling, that the storm was passing.

You see – this is how I know that the healing, the learning to live without him, the moving forward in life is happening.

A grief storm lasts a day or two, not a week or two.

It doesn’t take over my life, it just puts me in that place for a short time.

Even then – in the middle of the grief storm, I still managed to finish a 1500 word research paper, go to my last class before finals, and do a recycling run.  Even in the middle of what would have debilitated me before, I was still functioning.

Grief is so very overwhelming. It is so intense, so painful, so horribly mind-numbing at first.  It destroys you.  It leaves you struggling to breathe, struggling to get through one moment at a time.

But it doesn’t stay that way.  It eventually eases, and there’s joy again.  And you plan a life, you build a future without your person.  And when a grief storm hits… it affects you for a while… then lets go again.

For you who’s reading this in your first year, second year… it does get better.  Even on days it doesn’t feel like it is, it does.   Eventually the balance works out, and you have more days of joy than you do of sadness.

I still love Mark.  Enormously.  I still love him, miss him, talk to him.  I have days where the grief is more than I can bear.

But it did get better.  And it still is.  It’s easier to live with, the missing him. It has become a part of my skin, a part of who I am.

Heart Memorial Boys My_Bruised_Heart_by_murtada_king (1)