Am I Lonely?

Yes and no.  A lot of the time, yes.  But right now?  I’m bored.

There’s SO much I can be doing.

Homework. Working out.  Crafting. Decluttering. Meditation.  Magick. Piano.

And I’m not.

All I can think of is… I don’t know WHAT I want to do.  I will do the homework again – might go for a 10 min walk on my treadmill first. But I am almost overloaded with homework and having problems focusing.

Crafting – several items I could craft.  I have a couple quilts on the go.  I have a robe to finish.  I have curtains to do. I have a crochet blanket to work on. I have a number of WIP’s.   But usually I do those while watching TV and there’s nothing interesting on TV right now.

Decluttering… that will take me either the rest of the night or will take 15 mins.  There is no in between.

Piano… I don’t know what’s holding me back. I love my piano.  I don’t play as much as I used to. (read – not at all lately)

But really – it doesn’t matter what I do… there’s no one to talk to.

I’m not lonely. I’m just bored with my own company.

This must be the first step in learning to like living alone. Maybe?

At any rate – widowing is hard.  It used to be painful – now it’s just hard.

Depend on Yourself

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Nights Are the Worst

I have four children.

They are 25, 23, 15 and 14.

The 25 year old has a son, and he lives in Edmonton.  His baby lives in Kamloops.

The 23 year old is due with her first baby in December.  She lives in Edmonton.

My 15 & 14 year old boys live with me.  They’re teenaged boys so they live in their bedrooms – and might as well be in Edmonton.

I live in Quesnel.  It is a min 8 hour drive from Edmonton – but in reality takes 10 hours with pit stops, gas fill ups etc.

So around 7pm, the boys vacate to their room… and I’m left sitting alone in my house.

There’s no other around. No adult to talk to. No one to share my day with (although some days are very boring, like today).  No one to just look over at and know that they’re THERE.

I don’t know how to live alone.

I never have.

But now, I’m alone.  Very alone.

I can feel the depression setting in. I’m silent, my ability to have conversations feels stunted.  I watch my widowed friends, my single friends all couple-ing up.  And I live in a town where I don’t have a circle of friends so I don’t have people to do things with.

I think that’s what makes the *alone* worse than anything.  Not only did I lose my partner, my spouse, my other half; I left my friends.

I don’t, for a moment, regret my choice to live here. My Metalhead Poet was worth taking a chance on. Love always is.

But I’m lonely, and struggling with the time and patience it takes to build a social circle.  Last time I had to, I had Mark with me to stave off the frustrations.

The loneliness is one that is understood and commiserated with by widda peeps everywhere.  But they’re all… elsewhere.

And the nights are the worst.

Grief Is Like the Ocean

Who’s Got My Kids?

When my husband went into the hospital, I had a team, a community who came together and took care of my kids and ran my life.

Then he died, and they all came together and took care of me until I could take care of myself again.

I left my community on the promise of a future.

It’s been 2 years, and I know it takes 3-5 years to create a community again.  Minimum.  It’s starting here, slowly.

But I felt crapy the other day… which always leaves me hypervigilent about symptoms and checking and is this serious? Do I need to go to the hospital?  Can it wait until the doctor’s office opens?

And… then I thought yesterday… what happens if I end up in the hospital?

Who takes care of my kids?

When I was living with my Metalhead Poet, I just believed he would be there for me, and take care of our life if I couldn’t.

Now… I don’t know who… who’s the first person I would call?

I’m not partnered, so that’s not an option.

My best friends live 3.5 & 9 hours away.  They’d probably both here, but… they’re far away.

My derby friends?  I don’t know that they’d step up the way my Squamish team would.  Some of them?  But I don’t know.

Either of my adult children?  I wouldn’t ask them… they both have babies of their own and live in different towns than me.

My new friend Janene has said she would…. but she has 2 kids of her own in a different age group.

My sisters would absolutely.  But they’re in diferent towns. Hard enough on my boys if I end up in the hospital, but if they have to leave all their friends?

Short answer?  I don’t know.  And it makes me feel… lost?

Lost my Love.  Lost my Metalhead Poet.  Left my friends. Lonely as fuck.

And I don’t know who I can lean on.  I think that’s the only thing I regret about being here.  I’ve lost my tribe. Tribe