Am I Lonely?

Yes and no.  A lot of the time, yes.  But right now?  I’m bored.

There’s SO much I can be doing.

Homework. Working out.  Crafting. Decluttering. Meditation.  Magick. Piano.

And I’m not.

All I can think of is… I don’t know WHAT I want to do.  I will do the homework again – might go for a 10 min walk on my treadmill first. But I am almost overloaded with homework and having problems focusing.

Crafting – several items I could craft.  I have a couple quilts on the go.  I have a robe to finish.  I have curtains to do. I have a crochet blanket to work on. I have a number of WIP’s.   But usually I do those while watching TV and there’s nothing interesting on TV right now.

Decluttering… that will take me either the rest of the night or will take 15 mins.  There is no in between.

Piano… I don’t know what’s holding me back. I love my piano.  I don’t play as much as I used to. (read – not at all lately)

But really – it doesn’t matter what I do… there’s no one to talk to.

I’m not lonely. I’m just bored with my own company.

This must be the first step in learning to like living alone. Maybe?

At any rate – widowing is hard.  It used to be painful – now it’s just hard.

Depend on Yourself

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Nights Are the Worst

I have four children.

They are 25, 23, 15 and 14.

The 25 year old has a son, and he lives in Edmonton.  His baby lives in Kamloops.

The 23 year old is due with her first baby in December.  She lives in Edmonton.

My 15 & 14 year old boys live with me.  They’re teenaged boys so they live in their bedrooms – and might as well be in Edmonton.

I live in Quesnel.  It is a min 8 hour drive from Edmonton – but in reality takes 10 hours with pit stops, gas fill ups etc.

So around 7pm, the boys vacate to their room… and I’m left sitting alone in my house.

There’s no other around. No adult to talk to. No one to share my day with (although some days are very boring, like today).  No one to just look over at and know that they’re THERE.

I don’t know how to live alone.

I never have.

But now, I’m alone.  Very alone.

I can feel the depression setting in. I’m silent, my ability to have conversations feels stunted.  I watch my widowed friends, my single friends all couple-ing up.  And I live in a town where I don’t have a circle of friends so I don’t have people to do things with.

I think that’s what makes the *alone* worse than anything.  Not only did I lose my partner, my spouse, my other half; I left my friends.

I don’t, for a moment, regret my choice to live here. My Metalhead Poet was worth taking a chance on. Love always is.

But I’m lonely, and struggling with the time and patience it takes to build a social circle.  Last time I had to, I had Mark with me to stave off the frustrations.

The loneliness is one that is understood and commiserated with by widda peeps everywhere.  But they’re all… elsewhere.

And the nights are the worst.

Grief Is Like the Ocean

Another Goodbye….

For the first time since my husband got sick – so more than a year – my house is my own.

I have no adult children here.

I have no guests here.

I have no one here to take care of me.

I have no one to pick up the slack.

I have… me.  And my boys.

My oldest son moved out this morning.  Packed all of his stuff in my van & trailer, and drove away (the van and trailer are going to be brought back tomorrow)

My daughter and her boyfriend had moved out in November, the stray had moved out in December, and now… the last of my adult children has gone.

He left behind the usual mess.   There’s work for me to do in the spare room to make it habitable as a guest room again…  It will keep me busy – getting my house in order, getting my life into a routine that works for me.

But it was another goodbye.   He was a good roommate.  He was a pain in my ass sometimes, but overall, a good roommate.

This is the first time in over 15 years that I have lived alone.

It will be a new adventure…

My boys