Nights Are the Worst

I have four children.

They are 25, 23, 15 and 14.

The 25 year old has a son, and he lives in Edmonton.  His baby lives in Kamloops.

The 23 year old is due with her first baby in December.  She lives in Edmonton.

My 15 & 14 year old boys live with me.  They’re teenaged boys so they live in their bedrooms – and might as well be in Edmonton.

I live in Quesnel.  It is a min 8 hour drive from Edmonton – but in reality takes 10 hours with pit stops, gas fill ups etc.

So around 7pm, the boys vacate to their room… and I’m left sitting alone in my house.

There’s no other around. No adult to talk to. No one to share my day with (although some days are very boring, like today).  No one to just look over at and know that they’re THERE.

I don’t know how to live alone.

I never have.

But now, I’m alone.  Very alone.

I can feel the depression setting in. I’m silent, my ability to have conversations feels stunted.  I watch my widowed friends, my single friends all couple-ing up.  And I live in a town where I don’t have a circle of friends so I don’t have people to do things with.

I think that’s what makes the *alone* worse than anything.  Not only did I lose my partner, my spouse, my other half; I left my friends.

I don’t, for a moment, regret my choice to live here. My Metalhead Poet was worth taking a chance on. Love always is.

But I’m lonely, and struggling with the time and patience it takes to build a social circle.  Last time I had to, I had Mark with me to stave off the frustrations.

The loneliness is one that is understood and commiserated with by widda peeps everywhere.  But they’re all… elsewhere.

And the nights are the worst.

Grief Is Like the Ocean

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What Do You DO???

Seriously?

Widows?  Widowers? Single people?  Single parents, specifically?

What do you do?

How do you go from being married, together every night, falling asleep together, waking up together, to being … alone?

What do you do at night?   What do you do when the kids are in bed?  When the world has all gone home?

On the average night… My boys are in bed by 9pm.   What happens then?

There seemed to be a point to doing stuff before, now I can’t see the point in it.   I just. don’t. care.

And I don’t really want do anything.  There just doesn’t seem to be a point to pulling out the craft stuff, to doing a puzzle, to watching a movie… alone.

WTF do you do alone?  Really?   Because I’m getting bored with vacating into the computer and staring off into space.

Blarg.

I’m really just fucking lonely.  I miss having someone to talk to at night.  Someone to snuggle up to.  *sigh*

This wasn’t the post I wanted to start with this year.   But it’s 7.15pm and my kids will be going to bed soon, and I”m watching my son snuggle up to his girlfriend, and I realized that I’m fucking LONELY.  I miss Mark.  I miss how we were together.   I miss him so freaking much.

I miss him.  I miss our life together.

January 2010 036