I went to bed (alone) like I do (almost) every night.
I kissed the pendant and said good night to you again like I do every night.
I asked you to come visit me in my dreams like I do every night.
I woke at 630am, having not dreamed of you again like I do every night.
I forced myself back to sleep – it’s the weekend and I have been ill and I need the rest.
I woke 2 hours later, gasping, in tears, because I had just watched you die.
In real life, you died from complications of pancreatitis. You made the choice to let go. We said our good-bye’s and loved each other the best way we could one last time.
In my dream, your heart stopped. I called 911 but they were stupid on the phone and I had to scream at them that you were having a MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION!! And they still just pretended they didn’t know what I was talking about. They didn’t send help.
Your heart stopped. And I couldn’t get it going again.
I was surrounded by all my new friends, with all my new knowledge, and it wasn’t enough.
I watched you die again.
And then I woke up, alone. Again.
It’s your birthday in 4 days. Could you not have brought me a dream where you were happy? Maybe have me “join” you in your memories of your last birthday with Wade?
I watched you die again last night. And this morning, it feels like it did the first time. Except I know how I’ll live without you. I’ve been doing it for almost 4 years.