I’m sure you’ve seen the meme on Facebook or wherever.
I was at a derby bout this weekend. Northern Mayhem vs Terrace. In Terrace.
Terrace is the place where Mark and I moved a month after we got together. It’s the place he proposed to me. Where we conceived our first… and lost it. It’s the place we had our marriage blessed by the church we belonged to. It’s where our Andrew was conceived, and born. It’s where we solidified our relationship and who we were as a couple. It was the start of MarkandJane.
And I was there, driving around the town, ripping off bandaids, picking at the scabs, allowing myself to bleed a little.
And then I get to the derby bout.
I had planned to ignore the last weekend and just have an amazing fucking time, learn new things and play hard. But one of the North Stars came up to me and offered me more.
“You’re my buddy. You and I are going to work together all night. Last weekend was last weekend and tonight we’re going to have fun.”
I started crying. Apparently it took someone just being nice and supportive (damn you Mark for dying and taking that from me!!!) after the day of picking at the emotional scabs for the tears to finally come out.
I had to explain that this (tears and emotions) had nothing to do with this (the derby stuff that happened last week and I was ignoring it this weekend regardless of what happened)
And she said to me…
Be grateful for the town. Be grateful for what it gave you and the memories you have because of it.
And somehow… for the first time… I’m able to see that. I’ve seen the “Don’t cry” meme before and in my head I’m like.. DUDE. Do you not GET how fucking PAINFUL it was to lose him? (yeah, I yelled at the meme a few times)
But grateful. I can do grateful.
Grateful doesn’t mean I’m not sad. Grateful doesn’t mean I don’t cry. Grateful doesn’t mean I ignore the pain.
Grateful means that even when I’m crying, I smile because of everything we shared.
Grateful means that even when it hurts so much I can’t breathe, I still hold on to the love we shared.
Grateful means that I can look at the town here we started and smile at the memories even as they’re ripping me apart.
Grateful means that picking the scabs and ripping the bandaids means the healing can carry on… even if it leaves a scar in the end.
I can do grateful. And I am incredibly grateful for her for saying it in those words.
The top image is Mark and Me and Kyle and Katie at the mouth of the Shames on the Skeena River.
The bottom is Mark and Chi-wen & Simon and someone I don’t remember hiking Terrace Mountain.