Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to the newest member of my family!!

My daughter gave birth to a beautiful little man on December 21. He is my second grandchild.

This is also my fourth Christmas without him.

It seems so unreal that he’s not here for his grandsons…

I don’t even know how to fathom that.  He wanted grandkids. I wanted more kids, he kept saying that we’d wait for grandkids.

He’d play Santa.

He’d play with them.

He wanted grandkids so very badly.   And he’s not here… Zeddicus Wellington


I’m told there will come a point where the pain, the stabbing reminders that he’s NOT HERE will eventually subside and be replaced with joyful memories and gratitude for a happy life shared.

I’d like that for Christmas this year please.

That’s all.  All I want is to smile because it happened, not cry because it’s over.

I want to remember him and honour him and be joyful in the life we shared… while I’m living an amazing life I’ve built.

It hurts… as much as I am joyful, as much as I am in love with my grandsons, it hurts that I can’t share them with him…

I am a Grandma without a Grandpa.

At some point, I’d really like to have my life be about all the things it IS, not what is NOT.


I am not at peace… not yet… not all the time…

But it is a happy beautiful Christmas this year.  I got a grandson. I got to be there for his birth.  I got to be with all of my children, and my children’s grandparents for “our” Christmas – which we did 2 days early – and I got to see my older grandson over Skype.  And I’ve found 2 dimes from him these last few days.  So I know he’s been around.

It is, it was a beautiful Christmas.

I still miss him.  I still miss our life. And I miss the Metalhead Poet.

But it is an amazing Christmas – even if it didn’t feel very Christmas-y.


I’m Lonely

I don’t know how to live alone.  I don’t know how to be alone in the evenings without another adult to keep me company.  I don’t know how to live alone without a small child or two or three to snuggle and read stories to and do puzzles with and do bedtime routines for.

I don’t know what to do when it’s just me.

Watch TV?  It’s boring.  We’re in midseason hiatus.

Watch movies?  I’ve seen most of the movies I want to in the free ones and the VOD costs.

Craft?   It’s lost a bit of it’s lustre… I don’t know who or what to craft for.

School work?  Yeah… that’s coming.  I can start on math… it’s self-paced.   Or I could read the books that I have and get a jump on what I’m supposed to be learning.

Coffee with friends?   Well… they’re all busy.  With lives. *sigh*

Cleaning?  I live in a tiny 3 bedroom basement suite.   Guess what?  It’s clean.  And fairly organized.  And the clutter is getting less and less because I just keep decluttering.

Work out?   Can’t do that all night.

I miss my husband. He was good company.   We would talk.  We would craft together.  We would play cards.  Play games.  DO stuff together.

I don’t know what to do with myself.

I’m bored.  I’m lonely.  And it leaves me restless, irritable and discontent.

Being a widow sucks.

There is so much I miss about him.   But his presence… that… I miss most of all.

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