I read the Facebook and blog posts of many of my fellow widda’s.
They all have something in common that I don’t share with them: they avoid the triggers.
I don’t think they go out of their way to avoid them, more of a matter of if they know a movie will make them cry, they’ll choose a different movie or wait until they’re alone to watch it.
I’m different. I deliberately, on occasion, put myself in situations where I know I’ll be triggered.
I think I do it for two reasons:
- I want to see how much that particular thing still affects me – am I still grieving as hard? Am I sensitized yet? Am I ready to let go of that sadness yet?
- I truly believe that if I allow myself to FEEL, then I won’t be caught unawares, and I wont’ be stuck in a situation where I’m bawling because I thought I was OK.
And it’s interesting how it’s evolved.
Take Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt 2 for instance. I blogged about this back in 2012, about 5 1/2 months after Mark died.
The theme song gets me. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. It was sent to me by a friend shortly after Mark died. He said it reminded him of me and Mark. So this song is played at the end of the movie. It’s on my iPod. I listen to it a lot. When I’m in my car, driving, unless it’s a trigger day or something that hits me… I can listen to the song and enjoy it for what it is.
If I watch Breaking Dawn Pt 2, the song makes me bawl. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So today, I’m hanging out, and Twilight comes on. I decide..what the hell. Haven’t seen it in a few months, lets try this again. Cue happy family, cue disgruntled vampire who goes to the mean vampires to make a complaint, cue epic fight between mean vampires and good vampires, cue happy ending.
Cue theme song… and I start bawling.
I could feel it building. I could feel it coming.
The question became… let it build, let it out and cry? Or shut it down and change the channel.
Well.. I don’t know how bad it will be. So lets go through the process.
And here I am. Hiding in my bedroom while my youngest son watches my grandson while I cry and listen to that damn song again.
Clearly I am not ready to watch Twilight: Breaking Dawn pt 2 without tears. Even after 4 1/2 years, I still break down and bawl. It is one of the things that will make me cry.
I still miss him. So very much. Despite how happy I am. Despite how excited I am for my future. There are days when I just want to curl up on my bed… and submerge myself in the “fuck I miss him” feelings that overwhelm me. Because they’re always there.
I miss you Mark.