I didn’t do my usual end of year post.
Reflection on what was, and hopes for what will be.
I am in a different place than I ever have been. It’s odd, really.
I am practicing “non-attachment” in my life.
I am not attached to the outcome.
I am not attached to a certain path.
I am not attached to a future that only truly exists in my mind.
I am practicing this on a daily basis.
I invite people to share my time… and I am not attached to the answer. I would be happy if the answer is yes, and understanding if it is no but not attached to the answer.
I refuse to agonize, to dramatize, to create pain for myself.
Do I miss my husband? yes. INCREDIBLY. I miss him with every fibre of my being.
Do I miss my Metalhead Poet? yes. I miss him with every fibre of my being.
Do I spend a lot of time agonizing over what was, what could have been, what might be, what might not be? Fuck NO. It’s done me NO good over the past 4 years. (hell, ever)
This hasn’t been an easy place to get to. It’s easy to say… just let go of the outcome. Just let go of the attachment. But it’s fucking HARD.
I am a control freak. (yep, I said it out loud). I am that person who can organize the shit out of any situation and have everything “just so” and make sure all the i’s are dotted and t’s are crossed.
If you are moving, I will find you a place, have your utilities hooked up, your stuff packed and all mail/correspondence addresses changed months before you actually move.
I am the person you want in a crisis. I will be there to hold your hand. I will manage things, I will take notes, I will advocate the hell out of everything.
I plan my life like a master chess player. I look for every nuance, every possible outcome, every path before choosing one. And when one path closes, I move to the next path. When plan A fails, I move to plan B. There’s 26 letters of the alphabet to work with. My doctor, 2 1/2 years ago (or more, I don’t remember exactly when) told me that if I’m always living life as if there’s a game going on – then I’m seeing things in terms of winner vs loser. IT TOOK ME THIS LONG TO UNDERSTAND THAT.
If I’m always looking at things as if they are a chess match, planning my next move, then the people around me? They will suffer.
I was with someone a few weeks ago… having some fun sexxy time… and he said to me… just relax… enjoy the moment… and for the first time… I did.
I just relaxed. I enjoyed the moment for what it was. I wasn’t focussed on the ending, the outcome, the next step. I was just focused on him and how I was feeling with him at that moment.
It was amazing.
I started to put that into practice in other parts of my life. This was… 3? weeks ago? ish. And I have been mostly successful. Focusing on the moment. Focusing on the now. Enjoying what IS rather than what I want things to be.
It’s freed me in a lot of ways.
As a side note: there are areas in my life where this is HARD to do… where I am struggling… but most areas, I’m mostly succeeding. Some days it takes some mental working to get to that point… but when I do get there, it’s a beautiful thing.
I’m discovering peace. And I like it.