Happy and Sad

My Facebook feed is full of two types of posts today:

I’M SO HAPPY AND IN LOVE AND I HAVE THE BEST SPOUSE EVER!

and

I’M SO SAD BECAUSE I MISS MY DEAD SPOUSE

interspersed with the occasional:

HAPPY SINGLES AWARENESS DAY!  and the memes that go along with that.

And on one hand… I am so very happy with my husband (who is currently making me breakfast as I type) and very much in love with him.

On the other…. I miss the guy who first told me 21 years ago that he loves me. 21 years. That’s how long we’d have been together. That’s how long I’ve loved that man.

6 years ago he woke from his coma, remembered it was our “in love” anniversary and told me.

Today… a completely different man loves me and tells me that every day.

So it is a happy/sad day. A good/bad day. A day of love and a day of grief.

But that’s the way it always is…

Happy 21st anniversary my Love.  I will love you for the rest of my life.

Advertisements

Anniversaries

4 days ago, it was the 19th anniversary of Mark telling me he loved me.

4 days ago, it was Valentines day.

I’m not big on the “hallmark” holiday that is Valentines Day.

He loves me… he tells me daily.  He shows me in the little things he does.  I don’t need a holiday to celebrate our love.

I have our anniversary.

I have the anniversary of the day he first told me he loves me.

I have those little days and moments and memories.

And now I don’t share them with him.  I remember them. I remember that on the anniversary of the day he told me he loved me, he told me “Happy Anniversary” 5 years ago.  Only 4 months before he died.

I remember the day he told me… how everything in my world tilted on it’s axis.

And I have my Sexxy Chef who works on Valentines…. so the day for us is fairly meaningless. We did have a dinner a couple nights before, he gave me the most beautiful purple rose, and he gave me some chocolates.  It was sweet, romantic and amazingly beautiful.

But Valentine’s Day? I spent a couple hours being sad. Remembering Mark and the love we shared.  Missing him.  Missing the connection we had.

I love him still. I always will.

February 14 is a day on the calendar. It’s also the day he first told me he loved me. But it means nothing in terms of the hallmark holiday that generates so much income for local businesses….

Long-Live-Love

16 Years Ago

16 years ago tomorrow, Valentines Day, was the first time Mark ever said he loved me.

We didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day.

We were at work…  and it came out.

And we celebrated that day as the day we officially “got together” for the rest of our time together.

Even though we’d been together for 2 weeks at that point.

Even though he hadn’t *quite* left his ex.

We celebrated Valentines Day not as a commercially marketed “this is the day you must romance your partner” day, but as the day we first expressed our love.

We didn’t even celebrate Valentines Day that year.

To this day – I couldn’t tell you what day he officially asked me to marry him – but I’ll never forget the day he first told me he loved me.

We’ll ignore the fact that he broke up with me the day after…and then the day after that he woke me up with “I want to spend my life with you”

Because none of that matters now.

What matters is that we got to spend 14 years together expressing our love on Valentines Day… the day he first told me he loved me.

Happy Valentine’s Mark.  I love you.  I will always love you (I have Whitney Houston running through my head… And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-EEEE-IIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always love YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU) and I am so grateful that you sent Mike to me.  I know you had a hand in him finding me again.  I got the messages from you that he was the right one, and that you approved.

I love you.

Valentines

 

Broken Heart