Happy and Sad

My Facebook feed is full of two types of posts today:




interspersed with the occasional:

HAPPY SINGLES AWARENESS DAY!  and the memes that go along with that.

And on one hand… I am so very happy with my husband (who is currently making me breakfast as I type) and very much in love with him.

On the other…. I miss the guy who first told me 21 years ago that he loves me. 21 years. That’s how long we’d have been together. That’s how long I’ve loved that man.

6 years ago he woke from his coma, remembered it was our “in love” anniversary and told me.

Today… a completely different man loves me and tells me that every day.

So it is a happy/sad day. A good/bad day. A day of love and a day of grief.

But that’s the way it always is…

Happy 21st anniversary my Love.  I will love you for the rest of my life.


4 days ago, it was the 19th anniversary of Mark telling me he loved me.

4 days ago, it was Valentines day.

I’m not big on the “hallmark” holiday that is Valentines Day.

He loves me… he tells me daily.  He shows me in the little things he does.  I don’t need a holiday to celebrate our love.

I have our anniversary.

I have the anniversary of the day he first told me he loves me.

I have those little days and moments and memories.

And now I don’t share them with him.  I remember them. I remember that on the anniversary of the day he told me he loved me, he told me “Happy Anniversary” 5 years ago.  Only 4 months before he died.

I remember the day he told me… how everything in my world tilted on it’s axis.

And I have my Sexxy Chef who works on Valentines…. so the day for us is fairly meaningless. We did have a dinner a couple nights before, he gave me the most beautiful purple rose, and he gave me some chocolates.  It was sweet, romantic and amazingly beautiful.

But Valentine’s Day? I spent a couple hours being sad. Remembering Mark and the love we shared.  Missing him.  Missing the connection we had.

I love him still. I always will.

February 14 is a day on the calendar. It’s also the day he first told me he loved me. But it means nothing in terms of the hallmark holiday that generates so much income for local businesses….


I Forgot

I forgot my anniversary.

Not my wedding anniversary.

The anniversary of us getting together.

February 1, 1998.  We got together for the first time.   It was a Saturday.

And I forgot it.

I was having a grief wave the other day.  I attributed it to missing his special brand support and encouragement while I’m in school.

A friend asked me if there were any special dates.

Then I remembered.  I had forgotten.   Our anniversary.

I remember so very clearly when he came out of the coma, when he was awake… he remembered our anniversary in 2012.   And I forgot.

My life has been pretty freaking good lately.  I love where I’m at, what I’m doing and everything else that is happening in my life.  I… am happy.  (something changed last night to change part of that, but I’ll work that shit out on my own)

So yeah.  Happy.

Not Mark-centered happy.  Just happy.   Never not missing him.  But happy.

And I forgot our anniversary.

And I’m sitting here, trying to figure out if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.   I feel slighly guilty… but he’d be SO happy that I was happy enough in my life that I forgot.  So I’m confused about how I feel about that.

I’m still happy.

Another anniversary is coming up next weekend.  Valentine’s Day was the first time he ever said he loved me.   I have not spent a Valentine’s alone in 17 years.

I think I’m going to be happy anyhow.  Because my life is pretty freaking awesome.  And I’m happy.

Heart Broken Heart

Valentine’s 2014

Made it through.

Not that it was spectacularly hard to get through – I spent the day focussed on other things, and more or less enjoyed the day.

Found a dime from him – knowing he’s around today made it slightly easier.

And then… I found out my Aunt died.

And I just lost the good feelings.

Until my Metalhead Poet showed up at home… with flowers and chocolate.

I didn’t tell him – but it’s the first time I’ve gotten flowers and chocolate on Valentine’s Day.

It was a nice way to end the day…and now I’m off to bed.  Must get rested up for derby tomorrow – my first bout as a benchmarked skater!

I’ll be taking the memorial pendant with me – I so wanted Mark to be there with me, and I’ll take a piece of him.

Overall… Valentine’s 2014 was not overwhelmingly bad….. there were some lovely amazing parts to it… and some sadness.

Happy Valentines Day.

Valentines 2014

16 Years Ago

16 years ago tomorrow, Valentines Day, was the first time Mark ever said he loved me.

We didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day.

We were at work…  and it came out.

And we celebrated that day as the day we officially “got together” for the rest of our time together.

Even though we’d been together for 2 weeks at that point.

Even though he hadn’t *quite* left his ex.

We celebrated Valentines Day not as a commercially marketed “this is the day you must romance your partner” day, but as the day we first expressed our love.

We didn’t even celebrate Valentines Day that year.

To this day – I couldn’t tell you what day he officially asked me to marry him – but I’ll never forget the day he first told me he loved me.

We’ll ignore the fact that he broke up with me the day after…and then the day after that he woke me up with “I want to spend my life with you”

Because none of that matters now.

What matters is that we got to spend 14 years together expressing our love on Valentines Day… the day he first told me he loved me.

Happy Valentine’s Mark.  I love you.  I will always love you (I have Whitney Houston running through my head… And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-EEEE-IIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always love YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU) and I am so grateful that you sent Mike to me.  I know you had a hand in him finding me again.  I got the messages from you that he was the right one, and that you approved.

I love you.



Broken Heart

Happy Valentine’s Day

I’m waiting for the day to rip me apart.

Not only is it the traditional day of lovers & couples, but it’s a very special anniversary for Mark & I.

So I’m waiting for the emotional devastation that *should* happen.


15 years ago today was the first time he told me he loved me.   It wasn’t planned.  It wasn’t contrived.  There was no fancy balloons, no flowers, no romance to it.

We were at work, in the back office, and he said he loved me.    We were both into movies at that time – so all I said to him was “Ditto”  (bonus points if you know what romantic movie that’s from)  It was two weeks after we’d first gotten together – but we’d known each other almost a year at that point… he was my friend.


He broke up with me the next day – but that’s another story – we got back together the day after :p


We always “celebrated” Valentines Day – not as *Valentines* but as the first day we acknowledged our true feelings.    I think back on those days and I’m in awe of who we were… how we forged on and got together and made such an amazing life together.  I’m in awe of how persistent our love was.


I love you Mark.  Forever and always.   You will forever live on – because you live on in my heart.