9 Years

Someone died last night at work.

I don’t know his name. I wouldn’t share if I did but I don’t know it.

He had his family sitting outside the room, asking us to do everything in our power to bring him back and make him live. I heard his wife say at one point “I just want him to live.”

OMG do I know that feeling.

I wasn’t assigned to the code team last night, but it was a long code so I spelled off my co-worker. She had been unable to get her work done and so we worked as a team and each took the time to help where we could.

I’d hear “no pulse!” and run back into the room, and take over compressions for the critical care nurse who’d started them.

Each time I did, I’d get barely one round in and he’d open his eyes. His hand would move and he’d touch me. Each. Fricken. Time.

We, the health care professionals, knew he wasn’t going to make it but he kept coming back. He kept opening his eyes when I did compressions. He kept looking at me with those blue eyes.

I don’t even know if he HAD blue eyes.

When I talked with my supervisor, she said that she believed that sometimes the ones who’ve passed on will try to communicate with us through whatever means – even if that’s someone who’s dying.

So who was looking at me last night? Was Mark letting me know he was with me? or was it just a coincidence? I don’t know but I like to think that Mark was around me last night.

It’s been 9 years. 9 years since we sat up with him all night and said our good-byes. 9 years since I made that transition from “wife” to “widow.”

My heart hurts so much this year. I don’t know why. I don’t understand why I was ok-ish for the past 3 or 4 years and this year I feel like I’ve been gut punched over and over.

I am grateful, every day that I have Ryan. I’m not sure how I lucked into a man who loves me, loves all of me and doesn’t feel threatened by the love and grief I feel for Mark.

When they fit me, I wear these rings. The one on the right goes on my left hand, the one on the left goes on my right. They are my wedding rings from Ryan and Mark. They remind me of the enormous love I have for both of them and how very fortunate I was and am to be loved by them.

Someone died last night and I wanted to hug her and tell her that it gets different. That the pain will never go away but it will become tolerable. It will become part of the fabric of her being. It will be less at times and more at times and you’ll never be able to predict which or when.

I miss Mark. SO much. I miss what was, what could have been and all the in betweens. I grieve for every new thing in our lives that he doesn’t get to be a part of. I grieve for every difficulty that I can’t lean on him to be a part of. I grieve for the promises we made to each other.

9 years. 9 years since I said goodbye. And I swear he still sends me reminders that he’s around.

Love you Mark.