Finding More Healing

I love Halloween.

I love seeing the different costumes, the creativity, the fun in the celebration.

This was Mark’s last Halloween.  He took a burst blood vessel in his eye and turned it into a fantastic costume.

 

Today… I dressed up as Mark for Halloween.

 

I was wearing his waders, his boots, his hat, his fish bonker, his net, his t-shirt….

The only thing missing was his fishing vest – and that was with him.

It was incredibly freeing, healing and wonderful to take something that was so very MARK and remove some of the emotional attachment to the items.

They’re just fishing gear.

They were his, but he’d have loved to see me in them.

We were supposed to be fly fishing together this past two years….

Halloween was awesome this year.   I loved it.  I’ve healed just a tiny bit more….

Another Memorial

Since I’ve been travelling back and forth between Squamish and Quesnel, I keep driving over the Duffy Lake Road.

There’s this one spot on the road as you’re travelling north where people have collected rocks and put initials on the side of the hill.

I’ve been wanting to put Mark’s initials there for a while now.

Usually – I have some excuse – we’re running late, it’s too dark, I didn’t realize where we are and it’s not safe to stop, I don’t want to stop, blah blah blah…

The other day, we were driving along, and I came to that spot, and we decided to stop.

We gathered rocks.

We did a trial run on the ground.

Then we carried a laundry basket full of rocks (it’s friggen heavy y’all!!!) up the side of the hill.

We put his initials there… took some pictures… then headed back down.   Got in the van, and I realized, I’d forgotten to leave the dime.

My lovely Katie ran back up the hill to leave the dime for us.

Mark has been leaving dimes for me forever – it seems fitting that I should leave dimes for him.

Carrying the basket gave me blisters where my ring was.   It had to come off.  So I took off my wedding ring, put it on the chain that held my memorial pendant… and there it stayed.

I used to wonder how my step-mom could go without wearing my dad’s rings and pendant.  I didn’t get it.   Now I do.

There comes a time when you look at the past, and realize that despite how beautiful and amazing it was… it was the past, and you’re living in the now.

I miss Mark. I miss him with every fibre of my being.  When I stop and think about the enormity of losing him, it takes my breath away, punches me in the gut and leaves me gasping in tears.   I can’t imagine life without him.

But I am living.  I have children.  I have a home.  I have a job.  I have an amazing man who is my Chapter 2.   I have a story that is not yet over and I have a beautiful amazing future ahead of me.

My pendant and my wedding ring reside in my jewellery box now.  It feels like the right time.  I will always love Mark.  I will always miss Mark.   I will always always always carry him with me.

He’s a part of my soul.

And my future is full of possibilities, promises and love.

 

 

Things Unexpected (redux)

…. the man who sat down at my desk to do his car insurance and announced “I just had a stroke, there’s a weird feeling in my arm”

Really?  Why why WHY is the man who probably requires medical attention sitting at my desk and getting car insurance instead of going to the hospital?

…. looking for someone in my contacts list and seeing my Love’s gorgeous blue eyes staring at me.

That made me want to go back and look at the last few texts from him.  I still do.

…. the moment when my boyfriend turned off the music we were listening to to put on something his boys wanted to hear

That was something Mark would have done for his boys.

…. flipping through pictures and seeing him in the hospital

I love the look in his eyes.  Even at the end, when he was desperately sick and knew the morning meant that he would be shutting off the machines, he still had that look in his eyes.  The love, the devotion, just shone through every. single. time.

 

This is the first time I’ve publicly shared a picture of him in the hospital.   This was taken 2 months after he went into ICU.  I would have another 3 1/2 months with him at this point… I wish I’d known then that the time was going to be so short…

I’d really like for all things unexpected to stop showing up while I’m at work.  I just *don’t* want to start crying here… it’s been too soon since I started… blarg.

Things Unexpected

… walking through Wal-mart and seeing a picture frame that has “It all started when two people fell in love…” on it…

… your first born went on his first date tonight…

… I’m going to be on a derby team and you’re not there to share it…

 

Things unexpected leave me feeling bereft…

Stuck Again….

I had started a blog post earlier…. Happy Thanksgiving… happy joyous occasion… blah blah blah.

And it was.  It really was.   We got time with the boys we hadn’t yet had – time at our house.

We had Mom’s here.

We had a day relatively free of conflict and fighting.

We had smiles and love and laughter.

 

I have an amazing family.

Yet here I am… 11pm on Thanksgiving Sunday… wanting, needing to cry.

I’m hurting.  I’m sad.

And I’m stuck again.

There is so much GOOD in my life, so much AMAZING stuff and people and new family that there’s a part of me that says “What the FUCK do you have to be sad about??”

I miss him.  I miss Mark.

There was nothing in today to suggest remembrance… other than its a holiday and he wasn’t here to help celebrate it.

He wasn’t there to help cook.

He wasn’t there to take pictures.

He wasn’t there.

And in the middle of the night, with everyone else sleeping, I’m trying to make myself cry, trying to incite the tears so that I can have that release…

Because I miss him.  And he is worth my tears.

And I’m stuck.

 

The Ring

For I don’t know how long… I’ve been wearing my wedding ring on my right hand.   His ring sits atop his urn, but my ring stays on my right ring finger.

I was wearing my family ring on my left hand – but it’s currently at the jewellers being appraised.

At work the other day, my hands were super dry, so I put some cream on them.   No biggie, right?

Except I took my ring off….

And later that day, when I was doing something else, I found the ring on my left hand.

It’s been 3 months since I’ve worn a ring on my left ring finger… so it was odd to find it there.

My left ring finger feels bare.  The right one feels odd with the ring on it.  I’m not sure what’s up with that.

I don’t feel married any more.  I’m not sure why my ring feels like it’s in the wrong spot.  But it does.

I’m trying to ignore it.  LOL

I miss being married.  I miss that “markandjane” feeling.  I don’t quite have it with Mike – it’s not mikeandjane – its Mike.  And Jane.   Maybe in time it will be mikeandjane and I’ll feel like I’m married (he has to ask me first LMFAO) but for now… I miss being married.

Maybe that’s why my ring feels weird.

Or maybe its just that 14 years of wearing a ring on my right hand can’t be undone with 3 months of bare finger.

Either way….