I’ve had some difficulties in my new relationship. Nothing serious – just a lack of support where I need it – or more rather, support in a form that doesn’t necessarily FEEL like support although I know logically it is support.
He’s amazing and wonderful in so many ways. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he brightens my day even when he’s miserable.
And when I’m in a full blown grief attack – he doesn’t know what to do.
If I’m CRYING he’ll come over and hug me.
But if I want to TALK… well… that’s a different story.
He’s not an emotional talker.
He doesn’t know how to just listen – he wants to fix the problem.
He can’t fix the problem. And if he could, well… that would create more problems.
The whole grief, I want to talk about how much I’m hurting, how I’m struggling thing…? He has difficulties with that.
I admit, I moved REALLY fast with him – 7 months after Mark died, Mike and I got together.
14 months after Mark died, Mike and I moved in together.
We’re planning a life together and it’s been just over 20 months.
So the grief is there – especially given that it’s been so short of at time.
And all my friends are in other places. I don’t have those friends here who I can just go for coffee and BE… whether that is good or bad…
He’s it. He’s my one here.
So I went online last night looking for the support I’d found in the past online. Looking for people who get it.
I had 2 separate people say “Are you really happy?”
Yes, I am.
I love Mike as much as I miss Mark.
I don’t love by half measures – and while the love is *different* because they are different people – the love is just as strong and pure and true as it was with Mark.
I am simultaneously very happy in my life and with my future as I am sad and grieving for my past and the future I’ve lost.
It’s a bizarre situation. People further out tell me it gets better.
But yes, I am happy. And I’m still grieving hard.