Fucking Roller Coaster

I want this to be linear.

I want this to just keep getting better instead of rolling up and down and twisting and turning and having a calm then a tidal wave.

I WANT OFF THIS ROLLER COASTER.

I want to be okay and STAY okay for more than 5 minutes.

I want to be able to go to the city and enjoy a day there.

I want to be able to watch a commercial about dads and not bawl.

I want to be able to have an ENTIRE FUCKING DAY without crying.

I want him home.

I want him back.

I want my fucking life to make sense again.

I want peace and serenity and routine.

I want to rewind the clock to my birthday and tell him to get checked out.

I want to feel ok again.

I want to feel joy again.

I want to be wrapped up in his arms.

I want to feel safe again.

I want off this fucking roller coaster.